Episode Transcript
Speaker 0 00:00:07 Yeah.
Speaker 1 00:00:09 Hello everyone. Welcome to deductible rebels. We are doing a show today about, uh, people who get divorced and then date soon after and what that's about. And then we have one guest that chooses not to date and that's good information too. So I'm going to go into the intros. Not Chad. We have Emily Love. Emily is a 38 year old juvenile juvenile delinquent married once for six years, 10 months and 28 days divorced eight years long distance co-parent of two children between Minneapolis and Los Angeles. Not dating neuron apps. As men are strange creatures and masturbation is safer catching feelings and diseases currently for the son, getting that bag by catalog, cataloging and selling a dead man's erotic art. Welcome Emily left. Hello? Thank you.
Speaker 1 00:01:29 I have lady what's that? I said I have follow-up questions. We have lady Karen. Karen is a 47 year old, single white female, twice divorced recently out of a nine year relationship. No kids and don't want any because I'm too much of a kid. Myself is what she says, not dating and not ready to date because people bought me do things on hold for now and has very little return on my emotional investment. So she tends to be very selective. Not sure if she's ready to do what is necessary to find the weird matches. The weird that matches my weird, uh, no patience for bullshit or fake motherfuckers that does help, but trying to spread joy and empathy no matter where she can, wherever wherever she can. Um, welcome lady Karen. Hello. And then we have Nicole, Nicole is 44, officially divorced since 9 20 17. So what is that? Oh, whatever. Um, in my current relationship in her current relationship, since January, 2017, um, they were openly together during her divorce process, not a popular opinion. Um, she did not make friends, but well, fuck them. Virgo pain in the ass has her shit together during the week drinks like a pirate on the weekends. So it was like a sailor fan of inappropriate humor and laughing like a maniac. We have to hang out.
Speaker 1 00:03:22 Most people think she's well behaved, uh, when they meet her, but that is false personality contradictions, or maybe just undiagnosed bipolar, fucking hates the charmer, the Sharman bears, uh, joint custody with ex husband of two amazing equally confounding children bonus mom of two girls, fitness enthusiast and closet Metallica fan, welcome to call it wasn't that long. I was reading those interests because I fuck them up. And so whatever, but I good. I'm human. And I, and I am actually dating someone who divorced during COVID he like a year and a half out of, um, I don't have that. So I'm kind of as well.
Speaker 2 00:04:24 It seems like I imagine a lot of people broke up during the pandemic and the shutdowns.
Speaker 1 00:04:32 Yeah. It seems like it. Cause there's just like, shit, are we going to do this? You know? Yeah. It's
Speaker 3 00:04:42 And make or break scenario, it's either going to strengthen your relationship or it's going to destroy it. One of the two.
Speaker 1 00:04:48 Yup. Right. So, and then the dating apps were like, I mean, you can it's so it's so instant gratification and right there, and you can just talk to anyone. And so I don't know, it's a blessing and a curse.
Speaker 3 00:05:08 How did you meet him?
Speaker 1 00:05:10 Oh, I met him on Tinder Tinder and you know, I had been on Tinder many times and I was actually going to get off and I was like, well, fuck it. I'm just going to get back on because I wanted to actually, you know, interview or talk to people for the podcast. Cause that's kind of how I get information. And so I got back on and I was like, well, let's see what happens. And so then we were interested in each other and we met and you know, one thing led to another, but it comes with its, its um, difficulties too, you know, like dating someone right out of, out of a divorce, you know, do they know what they want? Have they had enough time alone? Have they dated enough people, you know, all that stuff. And so I kind of knew what I was getting myself into.
Speaker 4 00:06:07 I feel like sometimes people who like get out of, um, you know, like their marriages and divorce are just like, well at least for myself, it was like, fuck yes, jail broken. Like somebody who like wants to give me attention. Like that's fucking awesome. And it was like, definitely not like enough time alone, let alone anything. But like, and that's pretty cool that like, you've been able to maintain that for like a year and a half now. That's pretty sick.
Speaker 1 00:06:44 Well, it's been, it's a, it'll be nine months. So it's like, it it's a learning, it's a journey. It's like a learning process and I have my things and he has his things and you know, just working on working on ourselves and the relationship and, but yeah, like I had a fear of guys who've been on long enough. Does he even know what the fuck he wants? You know?
Speaker 4 00:07:08 Right. Yeah. Because actually his ex like
Speaker 1 00:07:13 That's good. That's all good. I'm glad that he has a good relationship with her and I met her and you know, like, it's cool. So, but yeah. So Nicole, I'm going to ask you first. So you were dating the guy that you're with while you were getting divorced.
Speaker 2 00:07:31 Correct.
Speaker 1 00:07:33 So how did, how does that happen?
Speaker 2 00:07:37 Um, we met at work. He was my manager at the time. Um, and then when we, when we were hanging out, he was not my manager, but he was for a short time. So, um, it was really tricky because actually all three of us worked for the same company, really scandalous.
Speaker 1 00:08:00 Yeah.
Speaker 2 00:08:01 Yeah. So,
Speaker 1 00:08:05 So then you guys started dating and
Speaker 2 00:08:10 So we, I mean, he kind of, it started out like him being a confidant basically and just a friend and somebody who had been divorced and been through it. And I didn't know anyone at the time who had been divorced. So I didn't, I didn't really even have anyone to talk to. And it just kind of ended up going down that path eventually once, um, my husband and I were actually like separated and not, we were in the same house, but we weren't staying there together, all this crazy stuff. It was a crazy time. But, um, so everybody at work knew about it. Um, and had opinions about it based on what my ex-husband was running around saying, which was not, which was his version of the truth. So it was hard. Sure. Yeah. And I just, you know, if you try to over defend yourself, when people already have an assumption, it makes you seem like you're just like you did what they think. And you're just trying to defend yourself when you really did those things, but you didn't. So anyway, I just, I never really said anything. I just took the high road and let it play out.
Speaker 2 00:09:38 But yeah. I mean, I feel like comes out. Yeah. It was really hard. I know a lot of people thinking that I was this horrible person who cheated on my husband with my boss basically. So I just don't know the story. They don't, and they're choosing their own narrative. Right, exactly. So, but in, in the sticky situation that we were in, there was no way anyone was going to hear me out because they thought I was the bad guy. So one that had asked for the divorce as well. Um, after I found out he was sending text messages to our mutual friend, asking her to come over and have sex. So nobody knew about that part.
Speaker 2 00:10:23 Yeah. So, you know, he did an episode on just, it was nuts. So not only was she a mutual friend, but she was his little sister's best friend. So it gets, this is like a Jerry Springer episode. My whole thing. We have a really, really good co-parenting relationship. Now it took a couple of years. Um, he's in a relationship now for maybe the last almost two years. And I think once he started dating her, he just became a happier person and, and stop focusing on being mad at me. So yeah. Ben and I have been together for like almost five years now accidentally it worked out so far. Knock on wood.
Speaker 1 00:11:27 Yeah. With me in relationships. You never know.
Speaker 2 00:11:30 Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 1 00:11:32 That's the fun, that's the fun thing about that,
Speaker 2 00:11:35 Right? Yeah. No, it's good though. Very good. Good.
Speaker 1 00:11:46 And Karen, you just got, you just left, uh, a nine year relationship. Bam.
Speaker 2 00:11:52 We did
Speaker 3 00:11:52 Did it, which it ended during summer, but, um, I don't think it wasn't because of the pandemic, because honest to God, it was the best time we had, he was faking all the time. We had so much fun. It was amazing. Um, but he needed more than what I can give him because of medical reasons. Um, I'm going to be totally honest with you. Sex is very painful for me. So I'm choosing not to have it because it's painful and he needs someone who's going to be more intimate with him and I totally get it. I understand. No, we'll, we'll, he's my best friend, but yeah. So I'm starting over and I, I have a suitor, but I just, I don't even know if I want to go out because nine years ago there was two dating apps. It was match and it was E harmony. Now there's a million and I'm scared of them all, a lot of work.
Speaker 1 00:12:58 It's a shift show up there and there's a lot of fear
Speaker 3 00:13:02 And like, okay, so you've heard my horrible story about dating off of apps. And I had one horrible experience and one really good experience. It was nine years, but I just, people are weird. And to meet somebody who is honest and not intimidated by an independent woman, like it's impossible. And I don't know that I'm ready to put in all that energy because I'm still trying to get used to my new life and my new place. That's just me as opposed to, you know, a best friend who's with me every day. And so if somebody wants to try to fill those shoes and my God, they got a lot of work to do. They got a lot of work to do. It's called standards. And a lot of people seem, they get down on me about it. And I don't understand why, because it's my life, if exactly.
Speaker 3 00:14:08 And they're like, I can't, you know, you need to just start dating again. I'm like, no, no, no. Have you seen what's out there? Like, and where do you meet people? It's not like you can go to the grocery store anymore and meet someone. Nice. Because I usually have my hearing aids in and I have a book or something going on to my hearing aids. And so I can't even hear if somebody approaches me and I look over and everyone's got their ear buds in. So yeah. There's no word just like meet someone nights anymore.
Speaker 1 00:14:37 When I was single, I was actually thought about doing this. Cause I, I always would see hot guys at the co-op. So I thought about getting cards made up and just like, Hey,
Speaker 3 00:14:51 That's not a bad idea.
Speaker 1 00:14:54 Here's my card.
Speaker 3 00:14:56 It's a really good idea. Yeah. Yeah. Actually the sooner that I have, he's kind of in and out, which is really weird because if you're, if you're approaching somebody and going after them, you should really be consistent. So I thought he had stopped for a while and then he re re, re he showed up again. That's the word. Thank you. Um, and so finally I was like, I gotta, I gotta, I just haven't even met this person yet. So I said, Hey, I'm going for a Santa stop because my friend, Sam, Bruce, Bruce's a Santa, do you want to come meet me? And he was like, yeah. And I'm like, awesome. So I have no one asking you out on a date. So now I can see how this is going to grow so far. And that already is putting me off. You know, you want someone who is going to go after you, but I know it's a two way street though, too. So yeah. It's you,
Speaker 1 00:15:55 I mean, Chris, you nice though. I mean,
Speaker 3 00:15:59 It's very flattering. Yeah.
Speaker 1 00:16:02 Call me old fashion, but I want somebody to pursue
Speaker 3 00:16:07 And I want you to walk on the curb side. I want you to know all those things, even though I want you to respect that. I'm I can, I can hang that TV by myself. I don't need you. Yeah, I know. I'm asking a lot.
Speaker 1 00:16:23 I think it's out there. I think it's just, it takes time to find yeah.
Speaker 3 00:16:32 A lot of work.
Speaker 1 00:16:34 Yeah. It is a lot of energy. Yeah. For Emily. You, you w what's your, what's your story again? You had some crazy story.
Speaker 4 00:16:51 Uh, juvenile, delinquent 30. And, um, no, I was, uh, living in LA for 14 years. Um, was married for just under seven years. I have two kids and it was, uh, it was like the worst, like stupidest thing I could have ever done, honestly. Like, and I'm not just saying that cause like I hate the fact that I've been divorced and like have, you know, children cross-country and trying to like make that work fucking hard. Um, but I mean, I was 23 years old. He was 34 when we met. And like maybe like six weeks later we were engaged and then shortly thereafter found out I was pregnant and it was like, yeah. I was just like, sure. Why not? Like I've never been before. I've never had a kid before I try and let's try it. Let's do it. Why not good. But no, like things don't work out that way.
Speaker 4 00:17:56 That's not, that's not the reality of the situation. It was, you know, before long it was like the fuck did I do? Um, but you know, it was like, uh, knowing like two years into the marriage, I was like, I'm ready to divorce. And it was like, oh no, maybe you should go to therapy for that. So I went to therapy and then the next year I was like, no, I'm pretty sure we're going to divorce. And he's maybe we can try couples therapy. So we did that a couple of times. And then the next year after that, I'm like, no, pretty sure we should get divorced. Nope. So that went on for years and you know, so finally I was like, no, we're, we're divorcing. Like I'm going to put my big girl panties on, make the toughest decision of my life. And like, then it was just, I don't know if that, like, it really felt like crawling out of an iron maiden and like then crawling from up from underground.
Speaker 4 00:18:52 Like I'd been buried into a hole in a hole for years and years. And I was just like, oh my God, this is, these are my hands. And I can do things with them. And like, this is my body and people like looking at it and like it, and it's amazing. And, and then that was just bad. But, um, but then, you know, one thing led to another move back home to Minnesota and steadily been, been on like the up and up up, just like really like putting up good boundaries with myself and like knowing what I want and what I absolutely don't want. And there's been a lot of more like, absolutely don't want and you know, in, in recent times, as opposed to the absolutely wants, but you know, it's very, we're, we're getting there. We're getting there, we're shifting the trajectory. It's a journey, fucking a date.
Speaker 4 00:19:44 Like certainly I've heard you got divorced. It was like, um, I don't know what it is in Minnesota, but like in California it was like, you have to wait six months after you file to be considered, you know, fully divorced, officially divorced. Um, and so it was like I was going out on my first date, like three days before my divorce was final. And I felt like, like I felt scandalous myself and just like a terrible person. Like I was somehow like cheating on a person that I did want to be with and was going to not technically legally on paper be with anymore in like three days.
Speaker 4 00:20:27 Yeah. Like how, how, how was the date? I mean, it was fun, but like after awhile I was just like, this is boring. Like, what the hell am I even doing? Like, why do people in LA even date? Like, it's not like where you go to like, get like a really good, solid relationship where you guys are each other's best friend. It's like, no. So you're best friends with the person that I want to be my agent, like we should date. And then I want to find out, you know, you know, you can tell your, your best friend who I want to be my agent, like why I'm so fucking incredible and like funny as hell and like really promote my own career. And it's just, it's just a weird place. And it's like, everybody, it's like a transient town where like, quite literally this person who I had, um, you know, gone out on a date with just, you know, days before my divorce being final. Um, like we tried, you know, I tried calling him for a couple of couple of times and like, wouldn't return my phone calls. And a few weeks later out of the blues, like, oh, I've moved to Toronto to, you know, to go pursue my career there. I'm like, oh, okay. Like, that's, that's just how we're doing things. So yeah, just like easy come easy go. Which I mean in like marriage experience from LA fuck. Yeah. Easy come easy go.
Speaker 4 00:21:47 Why not? And I've never done that before. I love all the, I love all the animals and hearing like your cats had done cocaine before. It was great.
Speaker 3 00:22:09 Likes to just get into all my,
Speaker 1 00:22:13 Her tail is like all over here all the time. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, so then you went on that one gate to do, were you dating like actively afterwards?
Speaker 4 00:22:29 Yeah. Like just so much. It was like, honestly I was working in a really crappy job and like didn't necessarily have enough money to be feeding myself. So I tried to arrange it where like, at least at least five nights of the week, I had somebody taking me out to dinner so I could eat.
Speaker 1 00:22:49 I've heard women say that before. Like, I'm just, I'm going to get dinner. I've never done that, but I've definitely heard
Speaker 4 00:22:56 Because it was exhausting. And it was like, you know, straight to like burn out town and like crying in the mirror. Like, am I even pretty enough? And my word that, like, nobody wants to take me out to dinner tonight. Like, can't even get a date to the in and out burger, like,
Speaker 3 00:23:12 Um, my sister and I had that same mentality of, um, girls free dinner. Yeah. And I was like, you know, there's no such thing as a free dinner. You're going to have to spend time with this person and all that, that emotional energy. I mean, that is texting. At least for me, it is where it's like, when I have to go out and people, oh my God, I need days to recover. So that's my time and my energy on you because I'm going to engage. I want to ask questions. And if you gave me monosyllabic answers, I might just go through the bathroom window. My time is valuable.
Speaker 1 00:23:59 It's the only thing that we can't get back. I mean, that's, it's like the most, the highest currency that we have, honestly. They're just somebody.
Speaker 3 00:24:09 So Emily, what dating apps are you using in Minnesota? I'm going to go stock here or anything. I'm just curious.
Speaker 4 00:24:17 Yeah, right. No, I, I was temporarily on, um, on Bumble, like a couple of couple of years ago. I did like the Tinder thing and that, that was like freaking frightening. Like some honestly scary, scary situations. Yeah. Um, well, I guess I got myself into them, but also it was like not the quality kind of people that I was hoping for. Um, tried Bumble out over the summer and then I escaped it. Not for a nice motorcycle ride, but like, I don't know. I just, I picky like discerning, like, you know, standards like up here, but I don't know. It's just, uh, I think I finding like more enjoyment and like hanging out with my 11 year old and you know, like going and riding bikes and doing, you know, doing the things with him and like, just like really appreciating what I already have in place in my life, rather than like seeking out something that is just gonna, you know, in the past has just like really like emotionally exhausted me. Yeah. That makes sense.
Speaker 3 00:25:35 Yeah. I also get a lot of pushback because I don't have children and I don't want children. I think children are fantastic, but for other people. And so therefore I don't want to date someone who has children, because that puts me back into that, you know, pseudo adult mom position that I purposely don't want to be in. So people will look, you know, I remember before I was dating Chris and I was on match and people were like, you know, they wouldn't tell you, they have kids until you have a few conversations. And I was like, oh yeah, I got, you know, like one under two. And I'm like, look okay, I'm sorry, but I just don't have, I'm going to, I'm going to nip in the bud right here. I don't have any interest in going forward because I don't want happy response. Well, first of all, humans, so I got, I got, I was called a bitch a few times and you know, if that's the way you looked at it,
Speaker 4 00:26:35 Oh, I'm sorry. Nicole
Speaker 3 00:26:38 Was going to say, kids are complicated anyway, let alone women, not yours. And you're trying
Speaker 2 00:26:42 To date, you know, that co-parenting situation.
Speaker 4 00:26:50 Yeah. And it's been, especially like a very, you know, like delicate circumstance too. And like, trying to do with, uh, with my son was, uh, he only came to live with me in August of 2020. So it was like during COVID was when his dad kind of snapped and was like, you need to come get your son. So, uh, I did. Um, and it was like this like whole re-introduction where it was like, there was no, there were no kids for the longest time. And there was like this freedom, you know, so to speak. Um, but then it was like the situation where it was like, you know, um, like behaviors of my child who was like, you know, kind of like had his dad like pushed his dad to the, to the breaking point and was like, you need to come get him now.
Speaker 4 00:27:41 Um, that's all I can say, just come get him now. Um, and so having, you know, like that feeling hovering over the child and like, well, why is my mom like trying to like go out and meet other people when I, you know, there's already somebody who has been there and like, am I not good enough? And you know, Y Y you know, she wanted to spend some time, you know, like away from me. So there is like those, those feelings to like, try to navigate, you know, and especially like I would put the, you know, be like very, you know, upfront in like dating apps and say like, if you are not okay with me, like ditching you for my kid, like, you need to fuck off. Like, this is like, there's no, there's no other options. You are not the number one baby in my life. Like I got, you know, got another man, but,
Speaker 2 00:28:39 Um, we have four kids between the two of us
Speaker 4 00:28:43 The work, and you can make it work
Speaker 2 00:28:50 And it presents its challenges for sure at times. But there, we have two that are in second grade and two that are in fourth grade. Oh, wow. Yeah. Um, but when we started hanging out, it went without saying that we weren't really gonna meet each other as kids, until it just was felt right. You know, I never asked to meet his or anything like that. Um, so our dates would be, I would go over to his house at like 10 30 at night cause he's got full custody. Um, so he always has his girls and we would hang out in the kitchen and have, you know, like wine and grilled cheese sandwiches. And if they woke up and came downstairs, I would hide, I would drop to four and hide behind the center island while he got the back to bed. But I mean, that's just what we had to do. And it was fine. And it actually, I think was better than trying to go out and go on typical dates because we were forced to just really talk and get to know each other. And so I think that's how we ended up accidentally in this relationship.
Speaker 2 00:30:08 I mean, neither of us ever expected this just happened. So that's great though. It was organic. Yes. It wasn't. Hey, I want to take that gal out. You started out as friends. Yeah. And then you grew from there, which was awesome. Yeah. So
Speaker 1 00:30:28 That's the best way I think.
Speaker 2 00:30:30 Yeah. I mean, it's never perfect. Right. But it's very good. Nothing's ever perfect. Never. It was perfect for you. That's perfect for me. There's perfect for everyone else. That's right. We also don't live together. Well, you don't know. So I think that is really beneficial to our relationship as well, because I have my own space and I mean, it's a someday, but it's not anything that feels like ha you know, I'm not really compelled to have that happen because I have my notes from the first time in 10 years. Right. So, yeah, it's nice. I don't have to ask permission for whatever I want in my own space. And that's a good feeling.
Speaker 1 00:31:27 Yeah. Did you think that you were with your boyfriend too soon or did you like, did you ever think that?
Speaker 2 00:31:39 Um, no. I think because of our w w you know, living separate and me having joint custody of my kids and being home at my place when I had them, I feel like our relationship didn't have any other choice, but to evolve slowly. And so I never felt rushed or, or anything else, like, it sounds, I suppose, could be. Yeah. I'm also not a good dater. I feel like I'm either like monogamous with one person for a significant period of time, or I'm not dating anyone. No. Like, yeah. I dunno. It's like, like you guys were saying, it's just it's time. And with somebody you don't know, it's super awkward, Especially. And I don't like that. The fact that I feel like you get somebody's best version of themselves, and more often than not presented in a way that's not entirely truthful because they're trying to look good. But that, that fires eventually,
Speaker 3 00:33:03 So, yeah.
Speaker 1 00:33:08 Okay. You quickly find out who somebody is, you know, like
Speaker 3 00:33:14 Don't marry him six weeks after.
Speaker 1 00:33:22 Yeah. I have, I had a friend that she married, the dude that she's with still like six months after worked out
Speaker 4 00:33:34 So far, so good. Like, I get really happy for people who, who have those experiences. I'm like, at least for some people they work on.
Speaker 3 00:33:45 Right. I mean, I totally, I'm working with Chris for weeks to the date of our first date. I mean, if you, if you feel that strongly about something, give it a shot, go for it. Absolutely. I mean, the only thing that's permanent is his death. I mean, other than that, any situation can be changed as long as you have the, the, the strength and internal, meaning you don't even need external support. If you have the strength and internal gumption to say, I'm doing this, you can get out of anything.
Speaker 1 00:34:19 True.
Speaker 3 00:34:21 I married my first husband probably six weeks. Oh God. Was it six weeks? I think, I don't know. It was very shortly after I met him. And, um, he ended up being emotionally and physically abusive. So I got out of there really quick. Um, or I was in Canada. So it, as quick as I could, um, took me five years to get divorced, but I was like, I'm out, I'm out. I need to get outta here because it just wasn't. I was going to die. I truly believe that. So, you know, all the, um, you know, sometimes you have to swallow your pride to make things happen, but that's okay too. I made a mistake. I want to come home.
Speaker 1 00:35:05 Yeah. How soon after you guys started dating or when he got married? Like how soon did he start showing these things?
Speaker 3 00:35:14 Um, so I married him. I think I moved to Canada in April. I think I got married in may or June. And by my birthday in October, he was beating the crap out of me. Wouldn't take me to the hospital because in Canada they have a universal health care. So if you're not a Canadian citizen, you don't have healthcare. So he wouldn't take me to the doctor. And, um, I got really sick. I had a double ear infection, double sinus infection and the sore throat. I lost 40 pounds in two weeks. Um, he left to go on a snowboard trip. Dan came home and tried to rape me. And before he woke up the next day I grabbed anything. I could just quick, quick grab, grabbed, walk out the door. My friends hit me. And, uh, rightfully so because he came looking for me and tried to break down the front door.
Speaker 3 00:36:04 Um, and I had to call my dad and say, I need to come home. I just need to come home. I said, you know, questions. He got me a train ticket. And within a few days I was on the way back to Manitoba. My dad picked me up and drove me back home. So, oh, it was so we had a prenup. Here's the best part. He would not sign divorce papers, wouldn't sign them for years. So finally I totally bullshitted my way into this and said, um, by the way, I left them a voicemail. And by the way, um, this is abandonment. You not responding to me and me have documented when I've mailed you things. You're not responding. This is abandonment. So that means our prenup is null and void. I got a phone call in 24 hours.
Speaker 3 00:36:53 So we signed. And then, uh, yeah. Then I married the guy who I was dating before I got married to the first guy, because I transferred. Yeah. It's it was, it was dumb for me to do, but then I ended up marrying him anyways. So either, either way, you know, no matter how bad the situation is, you can always get yourself out. So I think, go for it. If six weeks you want to get married, you go ahead and get married. Or if you don't want to go with them, then you don't move in with them. I'm a cheerleader for all of it. Yeah.
Speaker 1 00:37:30 Oh right. Wrong, wrong way. Right around me to do it. I mean, really
Speaker 3 00:37:36 Whatever makes you happy.
Speaker 1 00:37:38 Now,
Speaker 2 00:37:40 We definitely get asked a lot if you know, people, when people first think it's weird that we don't live together. Um, and then we also get asked, you know, are you guys getting married or getting married? And it's like, No, probably not. Because we both had traumatic divorce experiences and you just never know what's going to happen. So I just, yeah.
Speaker 3 00:38:08 And that's okay too, you know, there's
Speaker 2 00:38:10 Self preservation,
Speaker 3 00:38:12 Right?
Speaker 2 00:38:15 Yup.
Speaker 1 00:38:16 Yeah. I've never been married. I can say that.
Speaker 2 00:38:20 Well, you've ever done that before, so it's time Emily.
Speaker 1 00:38:27 Like, I don't really need to be married. I just, I just want to be in a partnership, you know, like yeah,
Speaker 3 00:38:35 Yeah, yeah. Codependency. I want my best friend to be with me all the time. So when I, my ex is still that person to me, we watch TV shows and he's in Texas. We just get on Google, do watch TV together. Cause nobody's saying I'll never. Yeah. Sorry, go ahead and go.
Speaker 2 00:38:56 I was going to say, if you really think about it, isn't the idea of marriage just seems really weird and unnatural. Right. I don't know. Kind of strange.
Speaker 1 00:39:07 I think it's for a certain person, you know what I mean? Like really? And, and, and we're all evolving all the time and changing it. I mean, yeah. So
Speaker 3 00:39:24 I mean, there's benefits to it. There's, there's definitely legal benefits because, um, if, if you're, if your partner and you're not married, get sick, you know, you are not going to, if you're not family, you don't get to go in to be there. If you know, they're not crazy. So, you know, there's, there's, there's definitely some legal benefits other than, you know, I just, I want that. I want that commitment. I want that in front of everybody. No secrets. Just, Hey, this is I'm screaming from the rooftops. This is my first.
Speaker 2 00:40:00 Yeah, that's true.
Speaker 3 00:40:04 But that's me, you know, that's like you said that that's not for everybody, not everyone, you know, thinks that way or needs that piece of paper
Speaker 2 00:40:12 Did either of you everything. Um, one thing that I think of a lot is it's so easy to get married. Right? You just apply for a marriage license and it's not that expensive, but to get out of it is so unbelievably hard. There is no simple or easy way to do it. And it is so expensive. It's the craziest thing. It should be the opposite.
Speaker 1 00:40:39 I, I, you know, like I'm a massage therapist and I was, I was watching a woman yesterday and she was so stressed and I was just kind of blurted out. I was like, why are you so stressed out? You know? Cause our neck was just like, he was like, I'm going through a horrible divorce. She's spent $50,000 so far
Speaker 2 00:41:02 I spent about 20. Yeah. I mean, and, and I didn't need to, we, we didn't have anything worth spending that much money to fight over,
Speaker 3 00:41:19 Fight over things.
Speaker 2 00:41:23 I wouldn't say we fought over things. It was more that it was really contentious and he was very angry with me for, for the divorce. And so it was made very difficult for me. I was told I would make it hard as I can for you.
Speaker 3 00:41:44 His feelings were hurt, right? Yeah. Yeah. They were. So when I got a divorce, it was a mad lib type of thing where you filled in like $103. We went downtown, we filed and we walked out the door and he's like, do you want to go to lunch? And I was like, no, some can be easy, but yeah. I mean, you've seen the movie where the roses, some can be so crazy. And then as you have
Speaker 4 00:42:18 Kids, I mean, yeah. Like,
Speaker 3 00:42:22 Yeah, the VA and all that,
Speaker 4 00:42:26 It sounds like a fucking nightmare or,
Speaker 3 00:42:31 Oh, for sure. Yeah. I'm surprised your ex-husband lets you go to Minnesota and didn't like, write something in. Then you could stay in LA.
Speaker 4 00:42:40 Well, he definitely followed me here and it, like, it definitely took a really gnarly suicide attempt for me to be like, no, actually like this is, this is not okay. Like if it got to that point where I was like, oh, so this is what like an abusive relationship looks like.
Speaker 3 00:43:01 Absolutely. That's an abusive relationship. Even him telling you, no, we can't get divorced. Let's do this. Let's do this. You've totally gaslighting you
Speaker 4 00:43:12 No. And like, I mean a tiger doesn't change his stripes. Like I'm convinced of that. And it's like, even now after like he took my kids, you know, and uh, intentionally was like, wrote me out of their lives, turned my family against me and then was just out of the blue. Like you need to come get your f-ing son. Wow. Okay. Well, can we talk about what happened? What do you mean? What happened? You were having problems and I had to take care of everything was like, oh, okay. So we're not going to talk about anything that happened. All right. I'm gonna come get my son. We're gonna, we're gonna make some changes here though, to our divorce agreement. And like there's, there's definitely going to be like higher levels of respect on your part. It took, it took that much to, to like really w wake myself up.
Speaker 3 00:44:03 Wow. That's scary.
Speaker 4 00:44:07 It was a lot. It's, you know, it's been a Hispanic, a doozy of a, of a time since 2013.
Speaker 3 00:44:16 Sounds like you need a, you need a toy. You need a boy choy. Hey.
Speaker 4 00:44:30 Oh my gosh. Yeah. It's an intense,
Speaker 3 00:44:36 I'm glad that you're okay. I'm glad that you're away from him now. That's that's the first step. Really? Yeah. The rest will fall into place, but yeah, you need to get away from him.
Speaker 4 00:44:46 Yup. Yup. Unconfident of it. It's it's been, it's been a really like weird journey and like, I don't know, just the way that like, life is now blooming in front of me and I'm like, actually present enough to like, be able to witness it. I'm like, I'm not sure that I would want it, you know, any other way, like if, you know, it could like go back and like do everything over. It'd be like, yeah, I'd be that stupid 23 year old and be like, oh fuck. Yeah, let's get married. And Tufts and babies like do this. And then, you know, like make every other mistake, you know, in the book to just to realize like how fucking beautiful like life is. And like, I dunno, just I, how, how like wonderful that like, I don't know how quickly everything can change.
Speaker 3 00:45:34 Yeah. So quick for the good or for the band. So that's why you just, you have to appreciate every day. And if it gets hard, just do it one step at a time.
Speaker 2 00:45:47 Like when you have that first day where you're like, oh my gosh, is this what it's like to feel like normal and not in a fog of depression.
Speaker 4 00:45:57 Right. I remember that day. It was the morning of my 36th birthday. I woke up and I was like, oh my God, I don't want to die today. Like, this is incredible. Let's bake a cake and go have fun.
Speaker 3 00:46:09 Yeah. You know, you can have cake whenever you want. Right. Like nobody, you're an adult. You can have cake for breakfast, lunch, and dinner and cupcakes are very small versions of cakes with less guilt,
Speaker 4 00:46:30 Easier to show up in your face.
Speaker 3 00:46:32 Right? Yeah. Absolutely. Well, yeah. I'm so glad that you're, you're out of that. That's crazy.
Speaker 4 00:46:39 Yeah. It was bananas.
Speaker 2 00:46:41 You both have really incredible stories and should be proud of yourselves for sitting here.
Speaker 3 00:46:49 Right. Absolutely. You know, I'm not saying that I also deal with depression and I gotta be honest with you. There was probably a hundred times today that I thought about messaging and saying, I can't do this. Can't do this. I can't do this just because I have anxiety and depression. And it took me, I had four chores to do today, get up and shower, get a package that was delivered, go to the grocery store and get creamer and do this. And I struggled with all of them. But I found that if you just take it one task at a time, sometimes you show up and you do what promise to do.
Speaker 1 00:47:32 I appreciate everyone for showing up. Yeah. It's hard. Sometimes I understand that.
Speaker 3 00:47:40 It is. It is.
Speaker 1 00:47:42 Yeah. It's hard to get up and get ready for the day sometimes.
Speaker 3 00:47:49 And then you add dating. Oh my, I don't know. Yeah. It's hard. Not even just checking in with friends. I look at my messages and I'm like, oh, I haven't talked to you in this long. Do I need to check in? I mean like, do you think I'm mad at you or something? Cause I haven't talked to you and couldn't imagine throwing, you know, men into there and mixing all that up and like, oh my God, do I have to talk to you every day too? It was hard. I'll get there though.
Speaker 1 00:48:29 It's challenging. So yeah. I mean, you'll take your time and Something will happen.
Speaker 3 00:48:37 We'll go see what this guy's like.
Speaker 0 00:48:56 Um,
