Episode Transcript
Speaker 0 00:00:07 I'm not sure
Speaker 1 00:00:15 The table rebels and we were doing trunking dating advice today. Um, looks like we have so young parts and miracle Williams. Um,
Speaker 0 00:00:29 Yes.
Speaker 1 00:00:37 All right. Welcome to the dead whole rebels drunken dating advice. The woman it's the woman's show. Um, we have Ms. Miracle, who is a hairstylist massage therapist, entrepreneur. I single for two years and looking today, but hesitant. Yeah, I get it. Oh, we have missed so young. How does a senior accountant number nerd at a nonprofit for mental health agency for children has been single for a while, was in a situationship for about four for four years. Getting her feet wet in the dating pool. Not in a rush, being more conscious this time around welcome. So young and miracle. Hey yeah. Happy new moon having a new moon. Oh, let me have a drink.
Speaker 1 00:01:44 Almost look at my drink. Cheers. Cheers. So, um, how is everybody doing really quick? I'm having a hard time hearing you. Are you moving to turn my volume up? Can you hear me better now? That is better. Okay, good. Um, yeah, so I, I, um, I asked people on Facebook to ask dating and relationship questions and we got a whole lot of questions. Should we, do you want to just start? Let's get Ryan Tilly. Let's dive in. Hey, so the first question is what is an appropriate venue to reach out to somebody new, online during these COVID times? How do you show someone who you are when you can't really meet in public place at this time? Do you just like, do you just
Speaker 2 00:03:00 Message somebody on Facebook? How do you introduce yourself? Good question. Well, <inaudible> go ahead. I'm sorry. In the days of COVID here, I think a lot of our interaction is social media, whether it's Facebook, IgG, um, or dating apps. Um, I think that's the only way really that people are meeting because no, one's going up to each other on the streets anymore. You're not meeting anyone in the grocery store. Um, so yeah. What about you? Mariko
Speaker 3 00:03:47 Well, I'm getting kind of new to the whole social media part of it myself as well. Um, I think the COVID just kind of really made it a little bit more, um, cyber, um, connections because, uh, because we can't have the face-to-face or the another, uh, interactions, we have to find a way to connect virtually. And so they have all these cute, these fun apps, which is own, you know, Google duo. Um, so I think at this point we had to find a fun way to start using the apps, you know, like the Snapchat and Instagram. Um, it's a really good way to try to stay connected with people, um, on a day-to-day basis without having to actually see them.
Speaker 2 00:04:34 Would you, would you be, would you all be okay with somebody messaging you on Facebook or IgG? Like if they were interested in you, like, Hey, I'm interested in you. I just wanted to say hi, but that'd be weird cause I'm not, I'm not for it. Um, I think that, uh, Instagram and Facebook are mediums that I use to interact with my friends or people who we share the same interests, so like a leisurely activities. And so I think there's a lot of boundaries studying that's done on those two mediums. And, um, and so it's just like, I typically it starts on the dating apps. Um, at least for me, um, or I should say it started on dating apps because, um, unlike my intro, I'm not really wanting to get my feet wet anymore. They are wet and I'm ready to dry them off <inaudible> facts. It's a weird time right now.
Speaker 3 00:05:43 It really is. And we would already be kind of, you know, different. And especially for me, I've never really met anyone, um, that I've never seen in person never met in person. So the whole someone online, you know, getting to know a person online would be totally new for me.
Speaker 1 00:06:04 It's different and you don't know who the fuck they are really. Like, you really just think it'd be a serial killer. We don't know exactly. Yeah. Or even like, what's COVID right
Speaker 2 00:06:18 Now, there's, there's such a high population of people who are now on dating apps that would never be on there. Um, so not only do you have to sift through the people who already were on there, it just like, I think people who aren't used to online interaction, um, it's, it's uncomfortable. And so it's like, I mean, you don't even know how to approach each other when you're, um, when you're trying to meet each other, um, or catch each other's eyes or, you know, and, um, and so it just creates like another layer of, um, you know, maybe another labor layer of anxiety, but it's just, it just makes it, um, I don't know. I mean, it's, it's another layer. Um, as well as like, when we used to meet people in person, you, you, I mean, you knew when you were attracted to someone and now we have to go by photographs and the photographs, I think men and women are quite different when they present themselves. So men will have photographs from five to 10 years ago or they have just, I mean, you know, I mean, it's stereotypical what I'm saying, but just like, I think women might be a little more conscious about like how we present ourselves in a photo. Um, yeah. And so not until you go and we kind of, um, not until you go, you know, request like doing a video chat, do you get like another angle, that person, which can also just be kind of, um, not true to who the person is as well, and then
Speaker 1 00:07:54 You're on, and then you're like video chatting with them and then you have to like talk to them. And if you don't vibe with them,
Speaker 3 00:08:03 All right, I'm such a, I'm such a personal person. Like I want to feel your energy, you know, I'm affection. I have to be in the moment and you can't really feel that virtually. So it's almost like feel a little forced, like you gotta have these lists of questions or this list of topics to discuss, just because you can get a good feel of the vibe of a person through the screen. So that makes sense.
Speaker 1 00:08:31 I think sometimes you, you can kind of, but it's definitely not like meeting, seeing someone, a person no way. Yeah. Well, I mean, what, anything in life?
Speaker 2 00:08:43 Mine though, especially if you're texting, if you're sending written messages, I mean, it's, it's also like your it's your interpretation, right? Cause it's depending on your own mood when you're reading it, um, I've had, I've had times where, um, you know, where someone had sent me numerous messages and like, I can, I can, like, I mean, I was already annoyed because I was like, I'll respond when I respond, but when you get a six messages and then you could, you can kind of tell in the different way the messages are sent where the last one it's like the person's kind of like an atheist, you know, it's just like, you're not responding.
Speaker 3 00:09:23 <inaudible>
Speaker 2 00:09:29 Sorry. Yeah. So it's like, I mean, it's, it's, uh, it's frustrating because I mean, you have to go from written and then hopefully you meet on a video chat and there's just so much more work and energy. You have to put into it. That that's where I'm like at right now where I'm like, uh, it was, it was good enough for a period of time, but now I'm like, I'm like, I've had other things I want to do. I don't have time for those. Okay.
Speaker 3 00:09:58 This brings us to the next question because it's kind of, Oh, it's exactly what we're talking about is a dating app worth the money, even when you've done all the right things to meet people and it's not working,
Speaker 2 00:10:15 First of all, I'm sorry, go ahead.
Speaker 3 00:10:19 You believe in data anymore. Have people become so self-important that they lack the ability to connect with others.
Speaker 4 00:10:33 Okay.
Speaker 2 00:10:33 Well, first of all, I would, well, first of all, I would not pay for a dating app. I wouldn't, I know that there's a lot of dating apps that were once free and now, like in order to do other things you have to pay and I'm like, there's, there's no way I'm investing any money into like, meeting the 1% of the 1% that I actually would be somewhat interested in. Um, and, and because I, I had this thought where I think that people just like hit each other on the dating apps when they're like extremely bored, you know? And, and it's just like, who the hell would like invest money in something to hear from someone who is just hitting me up because they're bored, you know?
Speaker 3 00:11:23 Yeah, absolutely. I can't really speak on that subject. It's only because I've never done a dating app before. Um, just because there, you know, you meet people that are so disinteresting, um, Oh, you're your regular everyday life. So it's like not gonna shift to all these lists of people. And out of a thousand of them, maybe even 700 would peak my interest, but really only like two of them I would take serious. So it's like, I just don't even bother to do the dating app thing from me personally.
Speaker 1 00:11:56 It's super disposable. It feels in my, in my experience with it, it feels just kind of icky. It's like you swipe and swipe and swipe, and it's all based on somebody's heart and how they look. You don't know who they are. Absolutely.
Speaker 3 00:12:12 Yeah. And actually that's so true because I've even, I haven't even met people aware, you know, and at first, uh, and first impression they weren't really my type physically, but they're funny, you know, they're fun to hang out with, um, that we have a lot of things in common. So just sifting through pictures is not a good way to even get to know a person because just because, you know, they have all your physical features don't mean that they would be a good fit for you, so
Speaker 1 00:12:39 Right. They could be like fine as hell and then not be funny at all. That would be like,
Speaker 3 00:12:44 Exactly.
Speaker 1 00:12:48 I would pass on that.
Speaker 3 00:12:50 Absolutely. Yeah.
Speaker 1 00:12:53 Um, there, the next question is, is it still okay to pursue someone or should you give up on the first attempt, like after the first attempt, I think is when he meant pursue someone, I'm assuming he's meaning online? Well, again,
Speaker 3 00:13:14 It goes back to like, I mean, people are hitting the hitting up on each other when they're bored. And so, um, and, and there's a, there's a reality that people aren't always, you know, um, that was part of my frustration where I was like, I think maybe once upon a time I would have been checking the app regular basis, and now I'm just not very interested in, um, and then really getting to know men via dating apps. It's like, I don't check it very often. So, well, me personally, you have to chase me. <inaudible> be the first time I might be busy that day when you first tried it or who knows, you know, what's going on in my life at the time, but you gotta come, you gotta come and come, come with it. You know, like I like an aggressive man where it's like, even if you know, I'm telling, you know, the first time I don't give up anything worth having AC
Speaker 1 00:14:18 Okay. Um, the next question does a guy pay and if so, why is it offensive if a guy insist on paying, but viewed as like cheap or as pallet's the one who asked the question said, it's scrubby. If he doesn't pay, is this first date? Yeah. Yeah. I personally the guys paying on the first day. If he does it, I'm out. That's just how I am I getting ready? I'm doing all these things. I'm sorry. You need to pay for the first one.
Speaker 3 00:15:06 Um, initially that's just, that's just go back to the old tradition. Like if the man is pursuing the woman, you gotta show, you gotta take the lead on this one. You know, like maybe I had a friend where they would, you know, they pay first and they be like, well, if you're interested in me, you would pay for the next one. And I kind of liked that. Cause it's like, you show, you led the way to show me that you're interested in me by paying a first date. And then if I'm interested in you, I can pay the second one, but you definitely gotta pay.
Speaker 1 00:15:36 Yeah. You guys got to lead on that one. I like that. Like I will pay sometimes for sure. But if you're asking me out better pay, absolutely well
Speaker 2 00:15:50 In today's world. I mean, even though it's like a great question, it's a very premature question because first of all, we're where are you going to go? Um, there's nowhere to go. There's nowhere to go where he can pay from you scenes. Um, but I don't know. I mean, I think it depends on, yeah. I mean, definitely it depends on your perspective. I, on the other hand, um, I would prefer to go, you know, if you were able to go somewhere, it's like, I would prefer to go Dutch. Um, I, um, I am very self-sufficient and I don't want there to be any gray areas where it's just like, Oh, you're taking me out. So you think this or that? And it's like, cause a lot of that can stuff blurs the whole situation as is. And I'm not that I don't appreciate a man who will, um, offer to pay.
Speaker 2 00:16:42 Um, if I say that, Hey, that's go Dutch. And they insist. I mean, I think there's a certain level of just like respect that you give to men, because I think there's different levels of how we view money and in pursuing a woman. So I can, I can respect that, but, um, but I also like to give the, um, uh, I also like to communicate that I'm not that type of person in the sense of like, cause I mean, the thing is though would have heard about a lot of men on these dating apps is there's a lot of women out there who are out to go get a free meal.
Speaker 1 00:17:17 I'm not, I will not go out with you just to get food. Yeah. That's it. I'm not interested. I'm not going out with you. I don't care how much. So there's, there's a certain,
Speaker 2 00:17:30 There's a certain things like that that I do think about. And I want to, like, I remind myself that I am presenting myself to another person to kind of show you what my character is, but at the same time, I'm just like, I am also traditional or I was like, I mean, I still appreciate a dude opening up the car for me. You know? I think there's, I think there's things that I have, like not maybe like sacrificed in my, my dating life that then I'm like, no, it's just really important because it also shows the character of that, that individual as well. So if I'm, if I'm showing, showing you like who I am and showing you my values, I want to, I also want to see that in reciprocity.
Speaker 1 00:18:14 Thanks. Yeah. Um, this is kind of a, I mean, it's a good question, but it's not a question for now, but this person that's asking it does live in Albuquerque and I think they can still like do outside, you know, like things are bars, still a thing for people over 35, like for going out and finding new people and dates and stuff. What was the question? Are bars still, still a place to go for people to meet people or to go on dates like going to bars for people over 35? Well, I'm 30, so I can't speak, I would say like, it depends on who you are, you know, like I'm not a big drinker. I don't think bars are like the most attractive place to go, but if we're going to go dancing and it's fun and it's like a good atmosphere, I mean, I go there a dance. I don't go to, I don't go out to meet guys. So that's just, I go out with my, my girlfriends are like good guy friends, but I don't know. I can't answer that question. Can you answer that question?
Speaker 2 00:19:33 Well, as they, as a 46 year old, um, I mean, it all kind of depends on like who you're meeting up with. I feel like you can kind of
Speaker 1 00:19:44 Like, like for me, it's like,
Speaker 2 00:19:48 I don't want to be with someone who is a heavy drinker. Um, I don't really like to mix alcohol with like a first date. Um, and so I'd be reluctant the question itself. Yeah. It's still appropriate. You can go meet someone at the bar, you know, and just like, it just depends on the other, um, the other boundaries that you have when you go to the bar. Um,
Speaker 1 00:20:13 But, but kind of like, realistically, I mean, um, I, I,
Speaker 2 00:20:19 I think like when you, when you go out on a, on a first date and in back when there wasn't as many restrictions, I'm like, you kind of want to do something that's a little more interactive, you know, it just like, you want to be able to just see someone's personality and watching someone lift a beer. It really doesn't, you know,
Speaker 1 00:20:40 Well, I think there's karaoke dancing and stuff too, but I would agree with maybe it's a really good rule to like, not have alcohol involved on the first date because people get fucking date rate.
Speaker 3 00:20:59 Yeah. I mean, um, I'm a little bit more of an outgoing person myself. Um, when it comes to meeting someone at the bar, um, I don't, I typically don't go out by myself. So I'm always with a girlfriend. I'm always with somebody. So I already have a different agenda. The why I'm there. Um, but I think that the bar scene is not, it's just, it's an option just because, um, people are a little bit more laid back. It's a little bit less, um, you know, pressure a little bit of just like, like a fly by like, Hey, you know what I'm saying? Like, I'm interested in you. You want to put it on my phone. If not, then I'm gonna, you know, work the room. But, um, it is, it is a way to just meet people and everybody's like, you know, having a good time and everybody's all dressed up and kind of feeling good, but, um, it's an option, but it's just like, are you, are you going to the bar trying to find your wife or your husband? Probably not. You know, you're probably going to maybe because you're bored, like I'm so young says, or, um, you just need something to do for the night or whatever. You just want to meet someone you want to just meet new people, make connections. That is when the bar scene is usually for you not really wanting to be like, so, you know, where are you? What are your goals? You wouldn't ask those kinds of questions at a bar. You know what I mean?
Speaker 2 00:22:22 And there's like three type types of dates that I like. I'm not interested in what would be meeting up at the bar. The other one is, you know, like the traditional, like, Oh, let's go to a movie or go to somewhere where you, like, even if you went to a bar and there's like dancing, it's like, I mean, you can't hear someone, you can't talk to them. You're, there's no like intimacy. And the other part for me just personally is like, I don't go out to eat with, with men. So eating is like an intimate event for me. So I go out, I'll go out to eat with my girlfriends and my people who I consider family. Um, I don't, uh, I don't, I don't put myself in those type of places. It's like, I want, like I said, like, I want to do something that's interactive because I want to see like how this person, um, responds to, um, to activities, how they, how they engage. Usually there's, there's different kinds of situations that'll happen. And, um, in, in kind of dates where you have actual activities, you know, whether it's like, I mean, maybe go on the bar and go bowling, you know, it's just like, it's for sure. There's, there's gotta be like something that's interactive where you can actually have one-on-one time because it's like, what a what's uh, I don't know. What's the point otherwise it's like, if you can't actually talk to each other. Right.
Speaker 1 00:23:39 I agree. Okay. So the next question is, which is gonna, it goes into everything that we're talking about, what is a pandemic? What's a good like pandemic date, and this is from Yoni. And he says, don't say hike, or I will poop in your hiking boots,
Speaker 3 00:24:03 Chile, where I'm at. I need a blanket,
Speaker 2 00:24:09 You know, what the activity is going to be pooping. And each other's <inaudible>
Speaker 1 00:24:18 For me would be, um, bundling up and going for a walk like out maybe around the Lake or out like at the falls or something like that. Like, um, yeah, that would be good, but that's a good, great for me anyway, it's just so I can like actually talk to someone and it's an alum.
Speaker 3 00:24:41 All right. Um, yeah. Anything, anything kind of like, well, unfortunately, because of, because of pandemic pandemic, we have to do things outdoors, but that almost brings us back to like doing things that would really bring out, would have to bring out people's personalities really have to give you a chance to connect, even if it's just like using a walk around the Lake, you know, walk around the falls. Um, just something like that, just cause kind of quiet little key, whereas like you, can you take out the, take out that who pays on the first date kind of thing, because now it's something free, you know? So it's just, you can take the, take that out of the equation and just really just get to know the person, which is kind of nice walk around the Lake, you know, where you live at, you know, like a bike ride or I don't know something,
Speaker 2 00:25:36 This is why I'm not interested in dating anymore because I'm, I'm done with taking walks. Really? I have a dog. That's why I go out, you know, that's my companion. He's it's like, we will go to all the places I want to go to and have conversations. I don't know. It's like, I mean, I've gone on so many, well, not so many, but the meetups that I have had have consisted of going, you know, taking a walk, going around the lakes and stuff like that. And, and I do, I do appreciate it because it really is a lot of like one-on-one time. Cause there's nothing else to do other than walk and talk to each other and um, you do catch up, um, you do get to see someone's mannerisms and their body language, which I think is huge because I've met people where like on video chat, it's like, Oh, that's so bad.
Speaker 2 00:26:26 And then when I meet them, there's like some quirky kind of shit that they do where it's like, no, I don't, I don't think that's going to work. You know, but I mean, that's, that's kind of like, I mean, in a lot of ways where I'm just not interested anymore because of how long the pandemic has gone on the population of men that are out there too, that are available to date as well as like, what can you do? You know, when, when you are able to, to meet up. And um, and so usually a lot of times, um, it's, you know, it's like once when, especially like on dating apps and social media, it's like, if you do have a conversation, like a written one, it's just like, you'll have like a video chat. And if I don't feel like something that's like strong enough, that'll pull me into wanting to see the person in person, because usually like, we'll have some sort of like interests.
Speaker 2 00:27:16 That's the same. Like, I mean, I'm like, yeah, I'd love to go on a hike. That's underneath the bridges, I'm into graffiti and stuff like that. So it's like, I love doing the kinda, you know, adventurous stuff like that. I think you can really get to see like, people's appreciate appreciation for, um, art or graffiti or, or just like being adventurous. And, um, but, but it gets, it gets, you know, it gets old. Um, and, and so it's like, I, you know, I think about the activities that I can, um, like, I mean, I would rather have like a, you know, have my girlfriend over and let's drink wine and have a dance with, on, in the living room then going out with some dude wearing, it's like, Oh, here we go again, let's switch late. Cause it, McComas is like, it gets old and, and maybe that's what we need is like, you know, you do have to take those breaks from, from actually being on these dating apps, um, to get, uh, you know, to get refreshed,
Speaker 1 00:28:18 I would say yes. And if someone is asking for like an idea of a, a good pandemic date, I would say, use your fucking imagination and like go to the grocery store, get hot cocoa or whatever mix and make it up and get some snacks or whatever, and like plan for a picnic or something. Or there, there were concerts at the ice house outside. Um, of course, um, not too long ago, I don't know if they're still doing that, but that's an option. There's another outside concert venue thing happening around town. So there are some options with that as well. Like if somebody really wanted to do something like that, there, there might even be something at, um, uh, Pimentel outside. I dunno. But I think like those are good options as well than just putting my little 2 cents on that. If you want it to go and not walk around the Lake. Right. Okay. So the next question, I think this is a good question. You were good, but Okay. How soon is too soon to date someone after they, or you've broken up with someone else?
Speaker 4 00:30:08 Well,
Speaker 3 00:30:11 Broad answer because everybody got their own, you know, answer for that one. Um,
Speaker 4 00:30:19 I feel like
Speaker 1 00:30:26 It is different for everybody, right? Like it's like different for every,
Speaker 4 00:30:33 Um,
Speaker 3 00:30:35 As long as it needs, honestly, like I can't stand in when a person breaks up with a person and they're carrying over the baggage of their last relationship, which is the next one because yeah, the person got cheated on, so yeah, she's meet someone new, but she, they, you know, him or her, I already got the, I like if you're going to do and do like you already carrying over you haven't healed from the last relationship. He'd be 80 when Vienna talk to someone new to make it be, um, successful at all. So whatever time you need to close that door, as well as the feelings attached to that relationship, to be able to be able to even interact with another person. And if we're to be successful
Speaker 4 00:31:19 In the first place,
Speaker 3 00:31:21 It's a week, whether it's a month, whether it's a year, you know, because each relationship is different. Maybe that person's getting out of a 10 year relationship versus like a six month relationship.
Speaker 4 00:31:34 Good answer.
Speaker 1 00:31:38 So, yeah. I don't know. I don't know. I mean, yeah. I mean, it depends like
Speaker 3 00:31:46 When the breakout path and how long the breakup was. Um, I mean maybe, maybe it's about like when, when we're getting to know people, it's, it's asking the right questions. So you can, you can kind of see how someone responds, how, what their patterns are in relationships. I mean, I know even for myself, I'm like, I mean, I've always been, you know, like one man to the next man. So the next man, so I was like, Hey, maybe, you know, maybe you shouldn't date me right now until I'm kind of, you know, like kind of like where I'm at to where it's like, I'm happily single, um, feeling peaceful about it. Um, there's a lot of people who are going through breakups during COVID and, um, and so just like, I mean, that's, I think, you know, another layer of it where it's like, I don't necessarily want to be with someone who, who is, um, just gone through like a COVID breakup.
Speaker 2 00:32:40 I'm just like, cause they, cause we're in isolation, it's just like people are lonely. They just want to kind of continue on and have a, um, you know, have another more embody that's replacing the old one. So it's just like, I mean, I think it's a little bit of projection on my part, but, um, I dunno. It's like, I mean, I would just, I, I think that you can pick up on the interaction that you have with someone to kind of determine if I don't know, it's like, I mean, you know, if someone's just freshly out of a relationship, it's like, or maybe it's like, you know, maybe it's a different type of connection you're going to have with this person because it's like, Hey, like I can totally relate to, it's only been, you know, six months for me is six months for you. And you're just kind of like reminding yourself that humans are enjoyable and that there is hope. And there is, you know, I mean, it's kind of, it's kind of like where you are yourself in that job frame of thought of what you're looking for, you know? Um, I don't know.
Speaker 1 00:33:45 Yeah. I mean, I agree. It's hard to know, but I think that,
Speaker 2 00:33:54 I think that our intuition tells us,
Speaker 1 00:33:58 Which goes into the next question.
Speaker 2 00:34:01 What are the top, uh, red flags on day one.
Speaker 1 00:34:14 Okay.
Speaker 2 00:34:15 Um, top the top red flags on the first date, mine would be if he talks too much and doesn't ask me any questions about myself, he just talks about himself or he talks bad about his ex to me. And I, I don't know him. I don't know my situation. I don't care, but don't talk bad about your ex to me, that's so much I play waving in the wind. Um,
Speaker 1 00:34:51 Another one would be
Speaker 2 00:34:54 If he was like overly sexual and asking me weird sexual questions and I felt uncomfortable.
Speaker 2 00:35:12 Can't think of any other ones right now. Can you guys think of, um, I mean, if you actually went out somewhere, I mean, I do watch like the interaction that they have with like waitstaff and how they treat other people. Um, definitely. Um, I think that, um, yeah, definitely how someone treats, especially people in the service industry I take note of. Um, but yeah, a lot of what you're talking about is just like the, um, someone who gets to sexual, um, someone who has, you know, it's like, I mean, you can kind of recognize people who drink a lot to mask a lot of anxiety during dating or who they are or whatever it should be. So I was just like, I am worried about, um, you know, people's drinking levels. Um, and the way that they kind of, uh, uh, I mean, you know, I mean, hopefully nothing of conflict happens on a date, but just like, you know, it's, it's those interactions that, um, that I'm probably more apt to take note of. And definitely if they're not asking questions about, um, about you, you know, it just like there's, um, if they're not asking you on a first date, I'm a second good question. I'll actually be asking you further down the line. Um, I know some of that's like nervousness, but I think that, um, it's, uh, it's making sure that there's a, a pretty equal exchange of, uh, of questions, um, would bring out, you know, details about the other person that you're actually interested in. Um, I don't know.
Speaker 4 00:37:07 Did you miracle, did you say yet?
Speaker 2 00:37:14 My little ones came to my room to her and get them out, get out.
Speaker 2 00:37:24 What would you are you guys are, you guys are so like, you're on the right track and I like the whole, um, speaking about the eggs, um, I don't want to hear about her. I don't want to hear about, you know, what she did and that means like, almost like you're still holding on today. Like you still have that past feeling. So it's like, yeah, definitely don't wanna hear about that or anger or any, anything that's just like, you got to deal with your shit dude. Like before you go on with other women, I think it's like, even like, as, um, like being older and dating and particularly dating with the children, it's like, you do get to, um, experience like how that person views their child's, um, parent, you know, where the child's dad or, or mom. And, um, and I feel like that stuff matters to me because it just like, um, it takes a, it takes a lot of like for my own situations.
Speaker 2 00:38:28 Like, it took a lot of work for, for my ex-husband and I had to get to where we're at and we speak kindly about kindly about each other, um, to my child and to other people. It's like, I have great respect for him. He's a great dad. And, and I look at that with other, um, with, uh, you know, with, uh, with a date because I'm just like, first of all, I'm was like, I don't want to be pulled into someone else's drama. And I can't imagine it's like, if you, if you're in something. Cause I mean, I think, I mean, it's definitely individualized for all of us, but I was like for me, um, I, I don't have that type of energy where I want to, um, I know that people have conflicts, uh, with, uh, with breakups when they have children and stuff, but I'm sick. I, I know for my, the life that I'm going to live, I don't have that type of energy and it's not something that I, um, that would be fitting for, um, for my lifestyle and for my stress level and how I handle stress. Um, so stuff like that, I think as you get older, there's more complexities in our lives. And so, you know, it's really listening to how, um, how that person, um, responds or reacts to the, these, these people that will forever be in our lives cause they have children.
Speaker 1 00:39:53 Right. Um, okay. So the next question, what do you think about giving one more date? Even if the first date you didn't click with that person? I don't,
Speaker 2 00:40:16 No don't I don't, if, if I don't click with someone on the first impro like person, like, um, in-person date, cause I kind of like summit some of like the chatting, um, the video, um, stats, like, I mean, some, some people do consider those as like dates and I can understand to a certain extent, but I'm just like once you meet in person and if you don't click that person, I'm just like, I mean, it took, it took a whole lot of time and energy for me to like meet up with that person in person. So I'm just like, if it's, if I'm not, if I'm not feeling it, it's just like, I think the difference between like maybe me and five years ago or 10 years ago, it was like, I trust myself. And I was like, there's something that there's just something that's just not, not there. And I don't want to waste the other person's time either because it's not just us and busting and our emotions and our time into someone else. I mean, that person also could be doing the same with us. And I think they're, I dunno, just as humans to humans with a lot of shit that's going on in the world, it's like a memory, let's be compassionate when we're doing this. Right. Let's be right. So there, isn't going to be a second day. If there's no connection.
Speaker 1 00:41:30 Where do you think miracle? Well, I
Speaker 3 00:41:34 Think it was be circumstantial because a lot of times, sometimes when we're dealing with people, when we first meet them on a first impression, a first date is they could have been nervous. It could have been a lot of, they couldn't buy it, put their self in a lot of pressure because say happens ethically the phone conversations are great. You know, the video chats are great and then you finally meet up and it was kinda like maybe it was just like, you know, they were nervous or I don't know, it could be circumstantial, but like if I find that maybe our phone conversations are nice and our video chats are nice, I would give it a second chance. I would give it a second transplant to that second time and I'll work, baby. Bye. I'm done.
Speaker 1 00:42:14 Okay. The next question, I think this is a really good question too. I think both of you will have good answers to this. What are some great first date questions to get to know someone deeper to vet them out, to see if they're worth spending more time on in the beginning phase?
Speaker 3 00:42:39 Well, me personally, um, when you going to meet a new person and if you try and vet it, see if there'll be something more, you already know what you're looking for. So, you know, if you're looking to, if you're looking for someone who, if you want to have kids, you want to get married. If you want, you know, you're planning on traveling, basically, I, I feel like you should tailor your questions based on the path. You see yourself going down. And so if, if you see yourself, you know, you want to be in the next five years, you want to be married. You want to have kids and you want to travel or, you know, you, you see yourself buying a house. You want to ask questions to kind of see where do they see this stuff on five gears, because if their answers don't correlate to where you're going, then that lets us know right there that you guys aren't, you know, the fed butters. If you're trying to get married and he's just looking for a good time, then I'll let you know right there. He's not somebody that you should be pursuing after Ted time to just spend it with them.
Speaker 1 00:43:35 Right? Yeah.
Speaker 2 00:43:39 Can you repeat the question? Because I think my wine has gotten to my brain.
Speaker 1 00:43:47 Okay. See if I'm reading this correctly, what are some great first quick, like questions you can ask on a first date that so you can vet a person out and see if they're worth like, you know, continuing to date. Basically.
Speaker 2 00:44:13 I, I mean, I completely agree with Mariko worms. Like you do talk about like where you're, uh, what type of like life goals, if they're similar. Right. Um, I also think about, um, about your values, right? Um, it depends like the population of people that you're potentially willing to date, but, um, in, in my world, um, I do, I am curious about, um, your, your, uh, spirituality about your political beliefs about, um, about, about values, you know, because we can, we can share the same values, but we can, we have different levels that we different perspectives of those values. And, um, and I'm at a point in my life that I, um, I do a lot of self-educating about, uh, things that I feel very ignorant to and naive to because of my upbringing. But, um, and I, I of, I want that in someone else that, um, you know, we live in a world of privilege and there are things in my life and there's, um, there are people that I care in level about that I, I don't have time for people who are very wishy-washy or they don't have an opinion, um, about how people are treated in this world.
Speaker 2 00:45:42 And, um, and, and I have a rather low tolerance for them. Um, so that's, that's a big one of, uh, values and, uh, and, and your, your goals as well as your lifestyle. Right. And it's like, um, there, there's plenty of interesting men out there. Um, my daughter is in her late teens. Um, as much as I would be welcoming to someone who has children and it's like, you know what? My lifestyle in a couple of years is that my kid will be out of the nest. And I'm not quite sure if I want to be with someone who has, um, who has children, younger children, you know? So it's, it's definitely lifestyle. Um, so it's lifestyle values and, and, um, and your goals in life.
Speaker 1 00:46:35 Hell yeah. Say yes. I agree. A hundred percent. I do. So Farah, it's the answer. You answer the question on your end. What would be one of your questions that you would question would be a good first day question for you to vet a person? Do you like animals? Um, how do you feel about your mother? How do you feel about your sisters? How do you, like, what do you want to do with the next 40 years of your life? How do you see yourself? Like, do you want to travel? What do you care about? Like, what makes you passionate? What makes you enraged? What you like, You know? Yeah. Like values. I would ask a lot of value questions
Speaker 4 00:47:39 For sure.
Speaker 1 00:47:40 I could never date somebody who fucking voted for Trump. I could never date someone that didn't believe black lives matter. I could never date someone who, yeah. Who like was a Hunter. I, you know, like this is on and on and on. Hi, this is good because I, when I go on first dates, I get kinda like caught up in the energy and I just kind of let it go. But it's so good to ask these questions. Sometimes people are full of shit and they will answer questions in such a way. You know what I mean? Like where, but I think most of the time you you'll get your answers
Speaker 4 00:48:21 For sure.
Speaker 1 00:48:24 So thank you for that. Um, so the last question, which I think is a really other, a great question, and I so young, and I've been talking about this too. Like, what are some good boundaries with texting and communication in the beginning to keep some healthy space and mystery? Like if we're not dating and we're just talking on a dating app, why are you texting me? Good morning. Every day. Okay. Anyways, that's my own stuff. What are some good boundaries do you think to put in place for communication and the beginning of a relationship I'm tipsy by the way.
Speaker 4 00:49:08 Okay.
Speaker 1 00:49:12 So
Speaker 3 00:49:14 For answer, could you repeat the question one more time? Cause my mind is kicking in here.
Speaker 1 00:49:18 Okay. So what are some good boundaries with texting and communication in the beginning of a relationship to keep some healthy space and mystery?
Speaker 4 00:49:31 For me personally, it, the frequency
Speaker 3 00:49:34 And the patients, because what, for me a text message is like you reaching out. But, um, I'll get not saying I'll get to it when I can, but I'll get to it when I can. So you get those people where it's like, hello, then you get the question Mark. Then you get the hello emoji, you know, like those, those are boundary flags for me. Cause it's like, especially in the beginning, you know what I'm saying? It's like, you don't know what I have going on for you to think that I just always got my phone right here with me to be able to text you back and forth all day. So for me, one of the healthy boundaries is like patience and the frequency, like a text messages or something I'm a C and I'll get to it when time permits kind of a thing for me.
Speaker 4 00:50:17 Yeah.
Speaker 1 00:50:21 Yeah. So I, I used to, you know, I used to be, and
Speaker 4 00:50:25 I still kind of probably struggle with it a certain extent that
Speaker 2 00:50:28 I'm just like, I feel like, like I want people to be responsive to, to when I'm hitting them off and stuff like that. But what I have learned is that, um, as much as there's like this fairy tale kind of image of like what I think our relationship is when it comes to getting to know someone I'm like, I don't want, I don't want good mornings. I don't want good nights. Um, I don't want to be asked, what are you, what are you doing right now? Um, I want, I want there to be questions where like, if, if, um, if you couldn't get back to them and in the same day, or even, you know, in a few days, it's just like, it's something that you can respond to without there being like, just, or this assumption that you're not interested in having this dialogue with someone.
Speaker 2 00:51:21 Um, I don't want things that, that emulate what, what we may want in an actual relationship when we were established. Um, and I've learned for myself, I'm just like, you know, kind of like what miracle Santa Marta, just like, like we have, we have our own miles going on and it's just like, you're not you're, I am not readily assessable to everyone. And there should be a level of respect knowing that I've got my life and these things going on is we're not, we're not, you know, we're not 19, 20 years old. We're, we're going to meet each other. We're attached to the hip and that's like, everything we do, it's going to be together. It's like, we're older now. And so we have different layers of complexity and, um, and I think especially as like independent women, it just like, we, we have learned to do a lot of things alone.
Speaker 2 00:52:13 And so, so like as much as I, I, I hope someday I would have a good morning texts and the goodnight texts. I'm like, if it's not from the, if it's not from your person, it's, it's almost annoying, you know? And, um, and it just like it and truly, it just like, especially like on dating it well, even texting. It's just like, if you, if you're not. And like I said before, we're speaking to, you're not asking an actual question where you're trying to get to know me. I'm a high taxed, how you doing and how it's just like all those generic things. I'm like, you're going to have to wait. I'm like, like
Speaker 0 00:52:54 Right now, I mean,
Speaker 2 00:52:56 It, you know, if we did disclose like every moment of what we're going through on, on a regular basis, I'm like, there's so much shit going on. And where was like, you don't, you don't want to know.
Speaker 0 00:53:06 And sometimes
Speaker 2 00:53:07 She was just like, I always, like, I think about it too from even like, um, the way I've behaved in the past where I'm just like, I, because I thought I had to respond and to be so, um, I had to be so responsive to the person, otherwise they thought I wasn't interested. I'm like, sometimes like you get messages, it catches you at a, at a point of your day where you're like, you're so frustrated and you've got so much going on that when you respond, it's like, it's like, wait a minute. That wasn't, that was like the moment that that's not representative of me. And so that's where I've learned, like you're saying, it's like how miracle was saying, I was just like, have patience. It's just like, not only am I trying to have patience with the other person, knowing that they have a life of their own.
Speaker 2 00:53:49 I also, I also want that from someone else knowing that, Hey, I've got stuff going on and it's not a matter of me trying to ignore you, or, you know, it's like, I think I'm old enough and mature enough to tell someone who's not interested. Um, it's like, I'll be forthright about that. So I'm just like, I don't want any of those, that kind of stuff. Because if that's happening that early on in communicating and having a dialogue, I'd hate to see what happens when there's like real shit that happened, you know, conflict and stuff that goes on. It's like,
Speaker 1 00:54:25 Yeah,
Speaker 2 00:54:25 I'm sorry. A lot of times too, just like the texting or whatever. It's like, um, I understand that's part of our world today, but you know what so lovely is to have to hear a voice
Speaker 1 00:54:37 Phone calls, but like, what if you're in a relationship and it's like a month new or whatever, how do you, like, what boundaries are you like? Are those the same boundaries? You know, I don't want, I don't want you to text me every morning because we're just figuring this out and I don't know where it's going to go, but I don't want to get used to you texting me every morning. And then all of a sudden it's over, like, that's where I'm at. Don't fucking text me, text me when I think, I think,
Speaker 2 00:55:09 Um, so like boundaries in that sense, it's like, you, you have to define and communicate what is what's bond work for you, right. Safe and sane. Right. And, um, and that other person doesn't, doesn't get that. And it's just like, that's not, that's not your person, you know? And it just, like, I think, especially with people who have like myself who have like, gone through like really poor communication with a, with a partner and it's just like, you want to do, you know, be better and do better with someone else is just like, I mean, you, you have to do what you're asking. Right. It's just like, and, and you it's like, you have to focus more so on yourself that this is, this is the way that, because I mean, you're, you're giving your example of what you want by how you're presenting that to that person.
Speaker 2 00:55:59 Right. And, um, and I just it's like, I wouldn't want to get into, and the other part too, is like, understanding that when you first get to know someone, like if it's the first month, I mean, you're in this honeymoon periods. Like you want to have this, a lot of interaction, but you also have to remember, like, eventually when you get on that stage, it's like people have their lives, you know, it's like, you're not going to communicate as much and you have to give other people grace to live their lives. And if you're always, if it's just remembering like all the things that other people do to you, and you're like, dang, Oh, you know, thanks for all those six, nine text messages. And I was going to hear, you know, it's like, you have to remember, like, you don't want to be that person either because you're causing the same type of emotions and the same kind of like, you know, uh, describing in physical kind of destroying the body to someone else. Never be that person again. Yeah. I'm so conscious of that. I'm just like, I don't, I don't either, I don't want to experience it. And I don't want to cause someone the same sort of fucking shitty energy I was feeling like, that's not how you, how you, how you formulate a healthy relationship. Yeah. Agree.
Speaker 3 00:57:19 Um, text messages almost has like, this, it's like a neediness from people. Cause it's like almost like a missed call where, you know, you call the person and they see, because we all know how phones work. They, we noticed you see that text message, you know? So now we have this, like, we're like holding our breath or they're holding their breath, waiting for you, respond. And then like, you know, you don't respond within a manner that they feel the time has passed. That's when you get the next message. Hello. You know, you get the question Mark, and you get the, you know, like it's, it's, it's, it's a, it's a, it's a neediness for me that I don't like, especially in the beginning, because, because we're trying to get to know each other. You don't know what my role is like. So if you really want to, if you really want to get to hear a person respond or ask the asking course, you want to talk, pick up the damn phone and just, you know, simple, just pick up the date.
Speaker 2 00:58:22 Well, you know, it's like, I mean, touch texting occurred, uh, really got, uh, prevalent and popular, like post my divorce 10, 11 years ago. And, um, and I can remember in my first relationship post my divorce. Um, and, and even though like the person I like to stay, I'm like completely fine. It didn't work out and stuff like that. But there was like periodically things that he said to me, I was like, it finally resonates. And he's just like, he's like, when you send me text messages, it actually like, I'll be in the middle of something. And in some ways it'll interrupt my flow. And he's just like, if it's really important, call me, I'll always make time for you to call him. But when you're texting, I see it as secondary. And I think like sometimes people don't listen to each other. Um, I've also, um, in my more recent years have heard where like, I mean, especially like, I mean, and this is totally stereotypical because it's like, usually like women, you know, because the thought of like, women are more chatty and they're more, you know?
Speaker 2 00:59:29 Um, but just like, I mean, I know a lot of men who are just like, who will stay at right away, they'll stay at their boundary where like, I'm like, I'm okay with Texas now. And again, but he's just like, I really want to save this for a conversation in person. And if you don't listen to someone, you know, and you're like either too excited or too anxious being in a new relationship. And you're like, eh, you know, I just, I, I want this interaction so much, you know, I'm just like, dude, you need to check yourself. You know, because people do state their boundaries. It's just like, I'm so interested in what's going on in your life and how your week when, but I want to do it more in person. Like I wanted to give you my physical and my full attention, you know? And, and I kind of dismissed that earlier on when I was dating, you know, cause I was like, well, we had to read a, you know, it's like, I need the attention. I need it now. And I have much greater respect because now when it happens to me, I do, but I got shit going on. Don't call don't text me. Don't it's like, Oh, you know, unless it was like, if you really, if you really needed me, I'll be present.
Speaker 1 01:00:43 Absolutely nothing that can replace a phone call that's for sure. Because everything just gets like so misunderstood via texts, you read it in the, in the mood and the thoughts that you're thinking like that's how you interpret it. So yeah. It causes a lot of trouble. Yeah.
Speaker 2 01:01:07 So, so in this world of COVID, along with technology, texting, dating apps, I'm like, excuse me, good enough reason that you know what, I've got a lot of like personal goals and, and mental health issues that I really want to like focus on. And I am like, this is an ideal time to work on myself and to, to really be present for my kid and to be present for my friends, my established relationships and that, that maybe, you know, it's just like, it's like reminding people, it's like take a breather or during this period, especially if people are really active in dating right now, it's like take a breather. You know, it's just like, it's good for you. And it's good for other people that you're going to interact with. Um, and so you can get like, you know, re grounded about where you're at, because it's such a shit show right now that we're all, all over the place, you know, it's hard to really stay grounded.
Speaker 1 01:02:07 So that's the truth. Miracle. Are you dating anybody right now? What's your no.
Speaker 3 01:02:21 So because of the pandemic, you know, um, I find things to do with my time now. So it's like, um, um, like I said, I'm a massage therapist. Um, I haven't opened up my own like way speed business. I'm my hairstylist. So I consumed myself with now my own personal goals. Like so young say it like this at a time where it's like, because we can't be so social, it's time to find yourself. So I've been trying to find myself. So I have not been really like entertaining man at this point, at this time right now, because, because you might run into those peoples that are bore, you might run into those people who just need something to do, and I'm not going to be nobody something to do. You know? So I've just consumed myself with my work and my kids and myself. So maybe when Corona open up, you know, I can do a social thing, but right now I'm not, I'm not so into the virtual, I'm not really doing the dating app because I don't have time for the bullshit.
Speaker 1 01:03:26 I agree. It's a great time to reprioritize. And I can even, even when COVID does lift right when shit's like, it's good. Which who knows when that'll be, I'm just like one of the top priorities is like, um, the girls are going to get trust up and we're going to go dancing.
Speaker 0 01:03:48 <inaudible>
Speaker 1 01:03:53 Deputy Barry third priority placing. So yeah, I think we're all in a good place. As far as that goes, like focusing on ourselves and doing some really cool things.
Speaker 3 01:04:07 Absolutely. And if I was a bigger form of be picky then, because I feel like I live with myself up, so the men go have to bring day game, baby.
Speaker 1 01:04:19 Totally agree.
Speaker 3 01:04:21 Yeah. Well ladies,
Speaker 1 01:04:23 I think we should probably wrap it up. It's probably a good time. It's a wrap. I appreciate you both for showing up. Thank you so much.
Speaker 3 01:04:33 Very time.
Speaker 1 01:04:34 Thank you for having me. Good to see you, Barbara.
Speaker 0 01:04:37 <inaudible> watch some weird Netflix. Show you two ladies again. Next time.
