Episode Transcript
Speaker 1 00:00:12 This is fair with the table rebels. We are doing the episode today on dating with a physical disability. We have Ron stamp and Connor falls falls. Yeah. Ron currently lives in Apple Valley. He's retired. He enjoys movies year round loves spending time in nature. He's currently not dating, but open to it. Um, Ron was born with spina bifida and it led to being a double amputee. Welcome, Ron. Thank you. And then we have Connor kind of lives in Seattle. He's in LA grad school getting his master's in social work.
Speaker 0 00:00:57 He,
Speaker 1 00:01:02 Sorry, some flash on the screen. He enjoys, um, film, CrossFit, kayaking, and cooking. He has osteo Genesis and perfect tikka does say that right.
Speaker 2 00:01:14 Osteogenesis, imperfecta
Speaker 1 00:01:17 Imperfect. Okay. Um, or brittle bones. Um, he is currently not dating, but fully vaccinated and would like to date soon. Welcome Katar. Thanks.
Speaker 1 00:01:32 Um, yeah, I, so I just kind of want it to bring it to people's attention because when you have a dating, when I I've seen a lot of dating podcasts and there's just kind of talking about dating or whatever, but nothing specific. And I don't think about dating with disability because I don't have a disability, so I just want it to bring it to people's attention, you know, um, what that means and what that's like. So, um, that was my, my, uh, intention of doing this and I'm going to have two more shows on this, but, um, so here's my first question. Do you want to date someone with your same disability or are you open to dating others?
Speaker 0 00:02:23 I, myself am open to either either or,
Speaker 2 00:02:29 Um, I think it's kind of a misnomer that, like, I kind of have a problem with that question just in general, because I don't think that people with disabilities should be cornered into only dating other people with disabilities. Like I've had three long-term relationships and I've dated a bunch of other women and none of them have a discipline. I've had a disability, a physical disability at least. So, um, I don't think it should matter. I think that's kind of like saying like, I it's it's, it's not quite the same, but you can relate it to like, you're a person of color. Are you open to dating only other people of color or anybody that makes sense?
Speaker 1 00:03:19 Um, these questions, I asked my friends and my sister to ask these questions. So I'm just trying to pick out ones that, um, all right. So have you had success with any of the current dating apps and if so, like what has worked and what needs improvement?
Speaker 3 00:03:51 I personally have had zero luck on any of the dating apps. Um, the, the one catch 22 that I've run across. I don't know. Um, if anyone else has run across this before, but personally, um, I ran across situations where I'm very honest and open about my disability and I get zero responses and then I've, I've, I've gone the other direction and I won't bring up that I'm disabled, but then, um, I'll bring it up, you know, maybe two or three conversations into the, you know, into us meeting online. And then I get accused of, well, why didn't you tell me that in the first place, because that made a big difference to me. So then I've run across that too. I've had absolutely zero luck with any of the dating apps because of that.
Speaker 1 00:04:48 Yeah.
Speaker 2 00:04:49 I've had success in the past. Um, not success lately. I think some of the things changed during COVID. I also live in Seattle. A lot of the success we've had is when I lived in Austin, when I went to law school, uh, Austin is a much easier city to date in I've found in Seattle in general. Um, yeah, I would agree that, uh, for the most part, if you, it's kind of a weird situation where, um, you sort of have to list your disability because I think it's like, at least in my case, I don't, I've gotten to a point in my life before I am confident enough that I don't care that I'm disabled and it doesn't change my opinion of myself. So I listed on my profiles cause it's just who I am. Um, but it tends to, there's certainly like some amount of population that just won't date somebody with a disability because either preference or like lack of understanding, or just don't want to deal with something that's different or don't feel comfortable with. It's not uncertain, it's easy to compartmentalize whatever the case may be. So I think, um, it makes it more complicated for sure. And more difficult online dating because inherently online dating is extremely superficial in nature. So I've actually completely stopped on online dating for the most part. Um, primarily because to have any kind of success on it, it takes, uh, obscene amount of time that I don't have. So
Speaker 1 00:06:28 I'm only dating sucks.
Speaker 2 00:06:31 Yeah. I mean, it sucks for me, but I think there's textural challenges. One of the disabled, um, yeah, it just adds another, like anybody has a certain amount of doors they have to go through when they're reading somebody new and sitting down and going on a date. And I look at disability as like adding a bunch of extra doors that most people don't have in order to get to like that point where the second day or where you're sitting down with somebody, even on a first date, they're like forming any kind of connection. It just adds an extra layer of complication when, um, it's like all, all somebody sees you as a picture and a bunch of, and like a profile initial profile. So they don't even have yet.
Speaker 1 00:07:20 Yeah, it is very superficial. Um, Ron, what, what age did you have your, your legs agitated?
Speaker 3 00:07:34 That was, that was when I was three years old.
Speaker 1 00:07:37 Wow.
Speaker 3 00:07:40 So I've grown up this way up. I'm kind of to piggyback on Connor's point. Um, because I had this, uh, disability, my entire life. I personally don't even consider myself disabled because I can do just about anything anyone else can do. So I've never really looked at myself as disabled, but the problem that is, is that other people look at me as disabled. So therefore that kind of handicaps me a little bit. So, but as far as my attitude goes, I, I really don't think I'm disabled at all.
Speaker 2 00:08:12 Yeah, I would agree. I think the one is within is with the societal attitude towards disability and awareness and the lack of understanding that able-bodied people have around this and really cause I'm a very capable person. I mean, I do CrossFit twice a week. Like I'm very active. I do most things. Most of the people can, I take care of myself fully. I'm a hundred percent independent and I need no extra help with anything. And I feel like there's a lot of like incorrect information that's given out by bookwork or American culture, society and media, um, that portrays disabled people and this negative light with a slight where like they need help with everything or they have to be taken care of. And I think that's just like, if you don't mind me saying complete bullshit.
Speaker 1 00:08:59 So what about people? Cause I have a brother that has cerebral palsy and he is in a wheelchair and he's his brain development is probably, I don't know, like 13 or 15, he's 46. Um, and he wants to gain a partner, but every time I, I see him, he's like, Farrah, I want a girlfriend and it breaks my heart. I don't, you know, like, so what about any? And his caregivers are very protective over him, you know, like they, they can, they control a lot of things, but he, he wants to be more independent. Like what kind of, um, advice would you give to somebody like that, that, that does need the help, you know, but also wants a partner and is frustrated and
Speaker 2 00:09:50 Yeah, I can certainly relate to the frustration. I mean, I think disability comes on the spectrum. So obviously it seems like Ron and I are more capable, physically capable end of the spectrum. And obviously there are all kinds of disabilities and some people need more help than others. Um, but I don't think that will factor into dating. And I think the best thing you can do is just be yourself and the qualities of your personality that you think are the best and carry yourself with confidence and it's up to other people to make judgments. So if they want to see you a certain way and that's their problem, and that's kind of the issue with the way that, like the kind of society that we live in is you look at media representation of what an ideal person is. And they're very, like, it's a lot of high expectations and a lot of pressure on men and women in different ways.
Speaker 2 00:10:46 Um, and so I think for somebody like that, I mean, it's, it's obviously going to be really hard, but I think the only thing you can do is to just, um, be who you are and hope to find somebody that values that and sees it. And that's kind of where I'm at in my own life. As like I said, I've given up on online dating, I'm just trying to present myself and, you know, work on myself every day and be the best version of myself. And eventually somebody not gonna care that I'm in a wheelchair. Yeah.
Speaker 1 00:11:20 Yeah. It's gotta be frustrating to have this label put on you and you don't really feel like you're disabled, but society has, has, has done that. Oh man, this is, um, this is a hard one for me. I want to ask the right questions, you know, and, but I also want you guys to tell me your stories.
Speaker 2 00:11:55 So yeah. I mean, I'm open to answering any questions or just talking about my life, whatever you feel like is more helpful to, uh, listeners or to you. Uh, I don't know if, um, Ron has anything to add on the advice for your brother, but
Speaker 4 00:12:17 No, that's, that's really a tough one, uh, especially, uh, cognitive disabilities. Um, I actually feel very fortunate in that aspect because, um, uh, because of my spinal bifida, um, I actually, it's kind of a funny story. I went to a doctor a few years ago and he starts feeling on my head and he's I asked him, what are you doing? And he says, most people with spinal bifida have a shunt in their head. And so he was looking for a shunt and I'm gone. I don't have a shunt. And, and so I kind of escaped a little bit of a, uh, I had a, kind of a lucky break there because a lot of people who are born with spina bifida also have a little bit of brain damage because they get water on the brain and that has a tendency to affect their cognitive abilities as well. And as far as that goes, I've kind of escaped that. But, um, to, to your point, uh, you know, about cognitive disabilities, those are a lot tougher in my, uh, in my, um, in my, uh, opinion. I think that's a very, that's a very, very tough, tough, uh, thing to go through.
Speaker 1 00:13:26 Yeah. Yeah. That's, that's definitely one that I want to address on this. Uh, one of these episodes. Um, well, let's see, let's look for another question here. Um, what barriers have you come across and would like others to be mindful of when it comes to the disabled community?
Speaker 4 00:13:59 I think for me, the one thing that I'd really like to, um, um, is, I guess there's, there's a stigma about people, um, that I, I w I really would like people to kind of overcome that barrier because it's just people look at another person like me, I'm in a wheelchair and the minute they see that I'm in a wheelchair, they have the stigma about the wheelchair that they have to act a certain way around me. And there, you really don't need to act any differently around me than anyone else. And that's the one stigma I really would like to see erased is people just treating people the way you'd like to be treated. Absolutely. That's the best way to treat anybody as the way you'd want to be treated. So how do they act? Like what do you notice? Um, sometimes they'll, um, they'll try to help me, um, when I don't need help, I'm a very independent person, so I don't really like to be helped. Of course they wouldn't know that, but, um, um, just, just little things like that, that kind of, uh, kind of bothered me that, uh, I dunno, I can't think of anything else off the top of my head, but there's just things that, uh, that people treat people in wheelchairs that are, that they wouldn't treat that are not in wheelchairs. Maybe Connor has another, um, aspect on that.
Speaker 2 00:15:35 Yeah, no, I agree. I mean, it happens to me all the time. Um, I think that's part of the reason, like I've been a gym rat for about 13 years and I work out consistently and I think that's part of the reason I've done that is psychologically. I'm like maybe if I get to a point where I present myself, like in a way that it looks like I'm strong enough, people will stop trying, look at me differently or think that I need help with everything so far. It hasn't worked. And so I've had to just kind of like get used to this fact that most people are raised in a box as far as like, they don't have exposure to disability from a young age, unless they have a sibling or a family member or a friend, uh, they don't get taught about it in schools like disabilities, not in education curriculums at all, like middle schools, high schools, colleges, um, they don't get exposed to it because disabilities fairly rare, uh, in general, like physical disability.
Speaker 2 00:16:32 I mean, there's all kinds of disability and the spectrum is huge, but, um, and I think it's just a general lack of awareness on what to do and how to act and how to be around people with disabilities. And for the most part, the reality is that we've all learned to adapt. I mean, that's what living with a disability is about, is figuring out, okay, like I have this thing that makes me different. How do I make the principles of my life? How do I, you know, figure out how to live my life in the best way, given my situation and you know, I'm 31. So I've had a long time to figure out how to get to a point where I feel comfortable being independent and figuring things out and getting around obstacles. And so I don't need any help for things. And I think that's important for people to become aware of is that when they talk with somebody who has a disability, where they meet with somebody who has a disability, they should treat them exactly like any other situation until that person asks for help.
Speaker 2 00:17:30 Um, and I think people, people can believe that they're doing good because they're offering to help somebody who was different. But in reality, uh, it's actually quite frustrating because for so much of my life, I've been treated like a child in a lot of ways. And I think that's in particular is something that makes dating extremely difficult is, um, I'm often upon first impression with women. A lot of women will come to me like a kid until they get to know me. And that makes it really hard to be sexualized when you don't get the opportunity. Right.
Speaker 3 00:18:10 I, I can think of another, uh, you know, I just thought of another example and this, this is the one that absolutely drives me crazy when it happens. And it happens a lot. Um, for instance, I'll go to a mall and a complete stranger will walk up to me without saying, hi, not saying hi at all. The first thing that comes out of their mouth is what happened to you. And that is, that is so rude because you wouldn't do that to anyone else. I don't walk to a person with a large nose and say, why is your no, your no, so large, you know, it's like, they're picking out the fact that I have a disability right away and they want to know what's what, and I understand people are curious, but that's not treating somebody like you would anyone else you don't just go up to somebody. And the very first thing that comes out of your mouth is not, hi, how are you? What happened to you? That is just ridiculous. And it happens all the time.
Speaker 2 00:19:08 Yeah. I, I, the, the number of things that people have said to me over the years runs the gamut in terms of ridiculousness, particularly kids. Like it's also just showing me how inept a lot of parents are. Their kids will just say things, ask questions, stare at you. And their parents are just, they don't give a shit. They don't care. They're not attentive to that. And I've had to learn over the years to just let it roll off my back. Like if I go out, which obviously has been less of the things since COVID, but under normal circumstances, I'm out doing something almost every day. And almost every day, I hear some kids say something to me, stare at me or do something. I, people, um, lots of people tend to bring up DCIS for whatever reason people say that Jesus loves you. Even if nobody else will.
Speaker 2 00:20:00 Like they, they bring up the God's thing a lot about like, God cares about you. Uh, people I've had people tell me that they would kill themselves if they were, um, Oh my God, I've had my last people. I can hear people in the back when we talked like behind, when we were sitting together at a park and they were like, Oh, well, that, guy's really lucky. She's with him. She's pretty high. I've had that stuff happen all the time. So I just, it gets, it gets to a point where I just kind of ignore it, I guess, or I just think that like, I feel sorry. I almost skipped over, I feel sorry for that person, because they must have like something going on in their wife or like, they don't, they're not, they're just ignorant. And so it just doesn't bother me as much anymore because I just feel bad for them when I get those kinds of reactions.
Speaker 1 00:20:58 I just can't even imagine someone coming up and like, what, what happened to you? Like, not even it's like this entitlement or something, or,
Speaker 4 00:21:09 Well, it's, it's it's, to me, it's dehumanizing because you don't that you don't just pick out somebody, you know, uh, you, you, you just don't go pick out a disability and just like, that's the first thing that you, that you, you, you pick out a, one of the best compliments I get is when somebody that I meet looks at my face because a lot of times I'll go out. And the very first thing they do is look down at mud. The fact that I don't have any legs and they won't even look at my face and that's so dehumanizing. It's like, why can't you look at my face?
Speaker 2 00:21:48 Yeah. Yeah. I certainly feel that. And people tend to also kneel down because they think they have to be at my level. So that happens a lot too.
Speaker 4 00:21:59 Yes. Yup. That happens a lot to me too.
Speaker 2 00:22:02 Yeah. Which is like really weird behavior. I'm like, why are you doing that? Like, you're just being, it's probably just like Bart on your knees. Like, I don't know why you're making that effort.
Speaker 1 00:22:13 Yeah. I think some people just have not been exposed to it and they don't know how to act or something. It's not to give an excuse, but God,
Speaker 4 00:22:24 I think people, what people need to realize is they just need to take a step back before they're going to act on something like, say you see me at the mall. Yeah. You're curious, but take a step back and think about it and go if I was that person, would I like it if I got approached and just said, what happened to you? I don't think anybody wants that, that first reaction to be that way. So people just need to take a step back. And regardless of whether you're curious or not just think about the way you'd want to be treated, just treat people the way you want to be treated. Kind of like what I was saying in the, in my earlier comment, that's really what it comes down to is treat others the way you want to be treated.
Speaker 2 00:23:02 Yeah. And I mean, if you think about like, everybody has stuff they deal with, right? Like everybody has problems. Everybody has challenges. The reality is that most people have the ability to hide their challenges. Like they're not out in front in the surface when you meet them. And that's the only difference for people with disabilities. Like what we deal with is right there in front of you on, and it's, we can't hide it. You know, it's there, we live with it on a daily basis. And I mean, that's the only real difference. Most people get to hide what they do behind closed doors. And we don't, you know,
Speaker 1 00:23:39 That's a good point. Yeah. Yeah. I know Ron, I've seen you out at the, uh, ground zero a few times and you'd like having women stand on you with their high heels, right?
Speaker 4 00:23:58 Yup. Yeah. I'm a, I'm a, I'm a member of the kink community. I'm definitely a member of the kink community. That's for sure. And I've missed it.
Speaker 1 00:24:08 Yeah. I bet. Well, I'm glad that I met you doing that play and then seeing you out and, you know
Speaker 4 00:24:17 Yep. I'm just, I am who I am and I try not to hide that aspect of myself. It's funny because I don't really, I don't really mind people that think that that's weird, but I don't like the way people react about me having no legs. It's kind of weird that I, that I, I, I distinguished between the two, the, you know, the, the kink part and then the non King part. I kind of departmentalize the two.
Speaker 1 00:24:52 And do you think that you, do you have that finished because you don't have legs
Speaker 4 00:24:57 Possibly. I guess that, I guess because maybe because I, I see things from a lower perspective, so maybe, um, I'm because I'm on the ground a lot, maybe because I'd see feet first. That might, it might be part of it.
Speaker 1 00:25:18 When, uh, when were, when was the last time you guys David? Um,
Speaker 2 00:25:26 Uh, for me, I dated, I had a run of like a decade of dating pretty consistently. I had in that time, I had two long-term relationships and dated a bunch in between. Um, but I think the last time I had any relationship, um, the last girl I dated was for three months. And that was in April, that ended in April of 2019. So it's been about two years.
Speaker 4 00:25:55 And for me it's been about five.
Speaker 1 00:26:01 Do you miss it?
Speaker 4 00:26:04 Uh, for the most part I do. Um, I know it especially, uh, um, yeah, there's there's times when you just go, it would be really nice to just be able to go spend. I miss the companionship more than anything is just being able to spend time with somebody. Um, that's the aspect that I, I think I miss more than anything is the companionship. Yeah.
Speaker 2 00:26:28 Um, I miss it a lot in general. I'm a big romantic, so I think I miss that aspect. Um, I have a really great community of friends, so, um, I'm not like starved socially even with COVID. Um, but I'm a very, like, my love language is touch and I'm a very romantic person and I miss the affection and I think more than anything else, like the physical aspect is huge for me. Um, and I don't know about you, Ron, but I think that like, uh, physical connection with other people's always made me feel the most normal or accepted. Uh, and so I think that's been something that I've missed a lot, because like, when you're like particularly sex, like when you're having sex with somebody or when you're being physical with somebody, uh, it's like the disability kinds of, kind of fades away because you feel like in that moment, you're the most accepted, you know, because it's the most intimate thing you can do with somebody else. But I think that aspect is hard not to have.
Speaker 4 00:27:32 Absolutely. Yeah. I think one of the things I miss also is just plain being able to hug people. I know, um, um, I I've been able to do a lot of, you know, video chats and things like that with people, but as far as getting together with people in person, I haven't done that in so long. I just absolutely cannot wait until I can get together with people in person. Again, it's going to be soon, Ron. Yes. I'm getting my, um, my second, um, I had the Pfizer vaccine and I'm getting my second one on Saturday. And then, uh, to my understanding that the, uh, you have a two week period after that, and then after that you are fully, um, immunized. So I am looking forward to getting back into the swing of things two weeks from Saturday. Yeah. I had my second dose and I'm getting my date is the 12th, so I'm good to go on five days. That's awesome.
Speaker 2 00:28:38 Yeah. Although it doesn't really change my dating life because I still refuse to do dating apps. I've kind of given those up entirely. So I think, sorry. No, go ahead.
Speaker 1 00:28:51 What do you think is the best way to meet people then? Like, cause I, I, I hear you, like, how do you think the best way to meet people if you don't do it? So dating apps, especially right now.
Speaker 2 00:29:03 I mean, I think you just have to be patient, like for me, it's going to come either through school or work or, you know, once I started getting back out again, like meeting friends of friends or maybe trying to find groups of people that are interested in the same things, I am like different hobbies, um, going to shows, um, I think there are ways to do it. It's just more difficult problem with online dating that I have is that a it's really difficult for people with disabilities be it's really difficult for men because men have a unique problem and women have a unique problem when it comes to online, dating women get flooded with too many messages and men don't get any. Uh, and so if you want to have any kind of connection, you have to spend hours and hours and hours and hours doing it.
Speaker 2 00:29:52 Um, like writing the messages a day and trying to, you know, follow up with people on one reply. And, um, I went hard on it for like two or three weeks recently and I got two dates out of it and both were terrible. So I feel like the return on investment is pretty garbage. And I am at this point too busy with school to have that kind of time to devote to something that isn't going to be fulfilling. Uh, so I've kind of just like resigned myself to waiting it out at this point, being patient, I don't know, hoping that it works out hoping that if I give up, then it'll just happen because that's what a lot of people say. So
Speaker 3 00:30:41 Yeah, I've, uh, I'm kind of in the same boat as you. Um, I kind of rely on, um, just, um, friends of friends and just getting out there and putting myself out at least once a week, you know, um, that was pre COVID once this COVID period's over again. That's what I look forward to doing is getting out and socializing at least once a week. And you never know you put yourself out there and you just never know who you're going to meet, but yeah, I've had the same experience with online dating. It's just, just been a complete disaster for me. I've had zero luck and, and, um, just no, absolutely nothing but bad things to say. Uh, the, the one time that I had any good luck was I ended up with a bot that I, I, I, I thought I had, uh, somebody that was really, really liking me. And then I found out it was a bot. So you've got your bots out there too, that are playing games on those dating sites too.
Speaker 2 00:31:40 The problem with online dating is that it's become so much more popularized in the last decade that there's so many more fake accounts and advertisements and people trying to play you. And, uh, it's just a total mess. Uh, and I'm just trying to avoid it in general. I think, um, there are other ways to meet people and they just require locations. Um, so I think I've kind of just been expected that I'm single right now, which is okay because I've been really busy anyway. So it's not like the end of the world. Um, but I think just, you know, I'm trying to take the time when I have right now and into the summer to work on myself mentally and physically get myself in good shape and try to just be the best version of myself, you know, work on all my emotional shit that I have to work on.
Speaker 2 00:32:40 Eventually I'll meet somebody rather than wasting my time. I mean, I've been on a ton of online dates over the course of my life. It's not that I haven't tried it. I mean, I did it for the better part of five years on your mom. Um, and the majority of those dates were bad. So if you look at like the amount of time you have to spend on it to go on dates with people that you just have absolutely no interest in, then it's a massive waste of time. It's kind of like playing a lottery. You have to get really lucky in order for it to work out. It's like, you gotta be in the right place, right time to meet another person who's in the right place, right time. And like, even for able-bodied people, I'm not even talking about this very, very few, like it's not like something magical pill. And even then people spend so much fucking time on it because there's no other, we don't have anything else. So
Speaker 1 00:33:35 Yeah, I don't, I don't think they really work for anyone, honestly, for most people. Yeah.
Speaker 3 00:33:44 My brother, uh, one of my brothers got lucky. He actually met his wife and then make a great couple. So that was one success story. But that's one out of about a thousand people that I know that have had absolutely horrible experiences. So overall yeah. Online dating is not good.
Speaker 1 00:34:04 I mean, it does happen. Yeah,
Speaker 2 00:34:06 It does. It does. I have found, I consider myself to be pretty confident in who I am at this point, even if I'm different, I've just gotten to a point that I don't care anymore. And I found that online meeting, the majority of online dating is filled with people who don't know what they want. Um, and that's not really what I'm looking for in general. I feel like it's a lot of people are grasping at straws to get attention and it's like 10, it ends up just being toxic the majority of the time. So yeah, I would agree
Speaker 1 00:34:45 Well in case any, um, it looks like all women are watching this. What are you guys looking for?
Speaker 3 00:34:54 Um, I, myself, I'm looking for a companion, somebody to spend some time with, uh, enjoying outdoors, uh, going to movies, you know, uh, going to the river, um, going and, um, I, I'm an exercise. I'm a fanatic as well. So I love to exercise. So going out on the trails and just going out on the trails and just, uh, roaming around on the trails, it's, it's a lot of fun and things like that. So that's kinda what I'm looking for.
Speaker 2 00:35:26 I mean, I think I'm looking for a meaningful long-term connection and I'm looking for primarily, I'm looking for somebody who is open-minded and who is willing to see me for who I, because, um, I'm pretty happy with where I'm at at this point in my life and what I'm doing and the direction my career is going and the friends that I have. And I feel like, um, I, I'm just looking for like somebody to share in that with, I guess, and, and someone who, um, can have someone who is intelligent and who knows how to have good conversation and who is also outgoing. Cause I, I like Ron exercise a lot. Most people would be surprised to know, but I mean, like I said, I do CrossFit. I go kayaking in the summer. I go on runs to the park. I don't know what to call them because they're not technically runs going fast on wheels.
Speaker 2 00:36:17 I don't know. Um, but I, um, yeah, I mean, I, you know, I'm pretty social and I, um, but I also, I'm a big film buff and I like staying at home, um, and getting time to myself too. So I, you know, I think at this point, my goals are helping other people with disabilities, I think is my main goal right now, career wise. And then also, um, meeting somebody who can share in that and who is, um, who appreciates romance and somebody who's caring and passionate. And then I want somebody else who's at that point in their life and who isn't going to, um, be scared off by somebody who's different. You know, I think, I think I need to meet someone who is looking for something different because, and who has dated a bunch of men already have, has gotten over the whole like tall wee boy, asshole phase thing, want somebody who is like intelligent and stable and kind and caring and will like support you, you know, and is like actually a good boyfriend, which I think I consider myself to be. So I think most women are like over the, the asphalt maybe looking, you know, maybe we would need, but, but the girls in my life where I was still not. So I don't know.
Speaker 3 00:37:49 Well, yeah, I have to go along with that. It seems, I see a lot of guys that are, um, with women and it, it, it blows my mind because they get treated, the women get treated horribly. And I, I don't understand that. I just, I I've never understood that because I believe in treating people, decently and the guys that I know that some of them, not all of them, but some of them really treat their women horribly. And I don't understand why the women would, would, would let that go. It doesn't make sense to me.
Speaker 2 00:38:26 Yeah. I don't either. I mean, I think I I've for a long time, I was really angry at like, when I was in high school and early part of college, I was angry at all these guys who were just total shit bags that were getting girls and it just never made any sense to me. Then I had to check myself and realize that it was becoming this like entitlement thing where like, just because I'm a nice guy also doesn't mean that I'm entitled to anything. So I think you just have to meet people where they're at, you know, and everybody has somebody else that's right for them. And everybody has different things that they want. And like, I'm not here to judge that. I'm just trying to look for the person that's right for me. And that is I'm open to being with somebody loving who just has a different kind of lifestyle than probably most guys they've dated. You know,
Speaker 1 00:39:19 I'm sure there are a lot of women that are open to that.
Speaker 2 00:39:23 I I'm more than open to finding them, but so far it's been fewer far between, so yeah, I get this a lot. And so the majority of my friends are living actually like 70%, I would say 60 to 70% of my friends are women. A lot of my best friends. And I get this a lot from them where they're like, yeah, there's so many women out there who are like that though. Like, so many women would love to date you. You're such a great catch. And I'm like, yeah, well, where are they? I don't understand. I've not, I've not found all these women that you speak of.
Speaker 4 00:39:57 So I get that a ton to Connor. I, if I, if I had a nickel for every time I heard that you're such a nice guy. I can't believe that you're still single. I can't believe that you don't have anybody yet. It's like amazing. How, how many times I hear that that's true.
Speaker 1 00:40:16 There is something with women. And I mean, there's a whole, there's a lot of shit, right? There's like childhood and father stuff and attachment styles and trauma and watching movies and dudes that are assholes that treat women like crap. You know what I mean? And then it's like, um, it's, it's, it's like Hollywood. It may, you know, it's, it's what society has been taught. And so that's, I think there's a bunch of different things that go into that, but that's a whole other,
Speaker 2 00:40:58 Yeah. I mean, it's, it's yeah. It's, uh, it's not something that I fully understand. Um, and I'm not going to claim to, um, I think I'm just looking for maturity. I'm looking for somebody who's past all of that and who is, and I think a lot of it, a lot of getting past that, just to do with being comfortable with who you are and being at that point where you're confident in yourself and you don't need something like that, and you're not looking for somebody to validate you. And I think that's the place that I'm trying to reach in myself and looking for somebody else also doing that problem is that it seems to be rare so that people have reached that point.
Speaker 1 00:41:40 Yeah.
Speaker 2 00:41:44 Oh, I I'll edit that. It's where the people have reached that point and are also single, cause I know a lot of great women who are at that point, but they're married or taken or have long-term relationships. So it's hard to find it's like that is available and is also compatible. It's just a lot of factors that go into it.
Speaker 1 00:42:02 Amen to that. Amen to that. Yeah. Um, well I just want to thank you too so much for, for sharing and, uh, being on, on this podcast. My kitty wants to thank you too. She's abracadabra. Um,
Speaker 2 00:42:31 Yeah, that's the other thing I'll say. I love cats. I'm getting two kittens in August, so pretty excited about it.
Speaker 1 00:42:38 And I have my own cat and I absolutely adore them
Speaker 2 00:42:42 Cats and
Speaker 1 00:42:43 You guys are so sweet. Oh my God. I don't know what I would have done this whole, uh, this whole last year or whatever, without these babies. So yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, is there any last words you'd still want to say, like any points you want to get across or
Speaker 2 00:43:06 I think the main thing that I would say is I wish that people would just stop making assumptions. I think if people can just meet other people at face value than it would be, that would be my ideal, you know, because like, um, people make assumptions about me all the time and about who I am or they think I must be a certain role because I have a disability and I often end up surprising them, particularly the girlfriends I've had. I've surprised them with the things I can do and um, who I am. And they, then they start to realize that my disability is like not really a thing at all. And it's just a factor of who I am and that, you know, it doesn't really limit me. And so I think I wish that when I meet women, they would just be open to me as a person.
Speaker 2 00:44:00 And like, if they're not interested in me because we don't fit or because we're not compatible or because there's not chemistry or because they're not attracted to me, then that's all fine. But I just don't want the, the wall that stands, that sits between me and connecting with somebody else to be my disability. I don't ever want that to play a factor because it shouldn't because it I'm, I really don't have anything holding me back from being like anybody else doing anything that the girls want to do. You know? Um, so I think the main thing I would say is just to, to not make assumptions about people and if you meet somebody with a disability in real life, just talk to them as if you're talking to anybody and get to know them as if you're getting to know anybody and they'll appreciate you for it. Don't think you have to act or be a certain way because they're different because in all likelihood, um, they're probably more mature than the majority of men or women that you've met because their experiences have forced them to be. And if they're in their twenties or thirties, they've likely learned how to adapt to everything. Life has thrown at them. So they also won't be developed. You know? So I just think having an open mind is probably, and willingness to learn. Those are probably the best things I can say.
Speaker 0 00:45:25 Thank you. Nope. That's pretty much it. I think he hit the nail on the head. That's about the same way. I feel good. Thank you guys for being a part of this. Thank you. Thank you. Have a good night. Bye.
